Thoughts of a Common Kolkatan

Re-Living the Past?

2011-06-05T02:08:00.002+05:30

I have learn't - learn't in the truest way possible - by personal experience and feelings - a very important lesson.

One can never 'go back' in life expecting to re-live the past, hoping to experience the same again. Because the past does not exist any more. It is as simply practical as that. If one ever returns to the same places, things, people - the very same artifacts would provide for a new and different experience. The past has already gone - and only new experiences and things await you in every forthcoming second of your life. The path of life is a strictly one-way road. One has to always remain in open embrace for the new, the inexperienced.

The only place where the past still exists nearest to its original form is in your mind. So any time you want a stroll backwards in the journey of life, just let your imagination wander - maybe with a few external material stimulants in the form of mementoes, photographs, writings, etc. Only this will take you nearest to what you seek.

Recently, I made a folly in this perspective, when while coming back to Kolkata after three and a half years, I expected to re-live the way I had done previously. Of course, that was impossible, and I was left with unbalanced equations.

With every new step, it will always be a new unknown experience. The step is always a step forward, and never the opposite. (And thank God for that!!) One has to always stay open, uninhabited and ready to make the best of whatever awaits round the next corner in the journey of life.

The journey of life is the flowing waters of a river. There is never any retracing of steps. Every additional yard always brings forth a new place - hitherto unseen and untraversed. There may be 'similarities' - but it is never the same. And what has been flown past can never be revisited - they are gone - for ever.

The course can be long or short, ferocious or mild. It will be adorned by variations and wonders all along. But at the end, akin to the unalterable certainty of the beginning, the infallible certainty of emptying into the sea - the death - awaits all.

Assortment of Quotations

2011-04-30T15:35:00.006+05:30

Some quotations I had landed upon or collected:

The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened. - Orkut 'Today's fortune'.

Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right. - Orkut 'Today's fortune'.

... with everything that happens to you, with every pperson you meet who is important to you, you either die a little bit or are born. - 'The River' (film by Jean Renoir).

The tears we shed in our sleep are the only genuine tears we shed in our lives. The waking tears are self pity. - From 'The Golden Notebook', by Doris Lessing.

"My dear Anna, your attitude to art is so aristocratic that you write, when you do, for yourself only."

"And so do all the others, " I heard myself muttering.

"What others?"

"The others, all over the world, who are writing away in secret books, because they are afraid of what they are thinking."

- From 'The Golden Notebook', by Dorris Lessing.

... words are like the wind that blows ripples on the water's surface. The river itself blows beneath, unseen and unheard. - From 'The Hungry Tide', by Amitava Ghosh. (Interpretation: Words one manages to utter only touch the surface of the deepest expressions, the true meaning and feeling lies underneath.)

... the whole world is asleep - everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to - ... only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement. - 'Joe Vs The Volcano' (film).

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. - DH Lawrence (discovered from the movie 'The Debaters').

For whatsoever from one place doth fall,

Is with the tide unto another brought:

For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought.

- Edmund Spencer (discovered from the movie 'Sense and Sensibility').

What is wisdom, but metamorphosised fear?

Living in a perpetual state of false hope is better than living with no hopes at all. Because, at least,all through the time while the hope lasted, you would have truly lived.

India wakes up to Passive Euthanasia

2011-03-21T18:41:00.004+05:30

I just read in the papers about Indian Supreme Court permitting passive euthanasia for a person in persistent vegitative state. That is, medical treatments and artificial life support means can be withheld - leading to death.

It reminded me of the Terri Schiavo case of about 6 years ago, when a similar situation and public debate had ensued in California, and the court there, despite strong oppositions and public opinions, had ruled in favour of euthanasia. (One of the factors affecting this decision had been the consideration that the patient would have wanted the same.)

It took six additional years for India to arrive at the same state of practical (and moral) sanity!

A Saner Democratic Model

2011-01-08T13:24:00.003+05:30

Major decisions cannot be democratic. The general mass is not intellectually able or equipped to decide on important matters. It is attrocious to let 'majority' decide on important matters. The majority is not always right.

The current system of legislative bodies making the decisions through the representative heads is even worse. Neither do these representatives posses any superior intellectual ability, nor do they really ensure the will of majority. Once elected, it can become their individual will, not that of the people who elected him. And our electoral process does not really mandate a 'majority' for becoming MP/MLAs - the one having greatest number of votes gets the post. He might be representing as low as 20% of the population.

We next have the different cabinets who often consists of specialists. But again, the will of say 15-20 specialists deciding a country's fate is unjustified.

So we have two problems at hand. One - ensuring that the true mass population gets to play some part in decision making process, second - ensuring that the final decision making is done by minds capable of such an action.

We have IT at our disposal, using which a solution model can be proposed. Of course, this is model presently not feasible in India due to lack of electronic penetration and illiteracy in sub-urbs, but in more developed nations, this could be a reality.

For any decision, the decision would come directly from a vote taken from the entire population, and not just the representative heads. The voting would be done through some electronic device like mobile phones or through internet.

Now, how would it be ensured that only able minds make decisions? The voting system would have a system of forwarding (handing over) your vote to any other voter. This would mean, your vote would cast the same choice as that of the person you have forwarded it to. The forwarding can happen upto any level. That is, A can forward his vote to B, B can forward to C and so on. In this case, C's choice would become that of A and B. Under such a system, if you are unsure of a particular thing, you can just choose someone in a better position to make the decision for you.

Of course, this assumes the basic moral sincerity and willingness on the part of a voter to forward his vote to someone more suitable, in case he is unsure. This mentality will get cultivated only with proper education - which as mentioned before, still has not happened in India.

However, this system can immediately be tried and tested at a micro level in smaller premises where a democratic system is wanted. Colleges or educational institutions can be a very good testing ground since both educational maturity and electronic penetration is expected to be adequately available in such premises.

Love Sex aur Dhokha: A fresh experience

2010-03-21T19:55:00.015+05:30

Today I watched Love Sex aur Dhokha.

Not paying much attention to the latest Bollywood stuff these days, I knew nothing about this movie. In fact, I had not even heard its name until yesterday when one of my flatmates had shouted to me, as I was having my bath, whether I would like to go for it. I had then agreed to it basically in want of any fitter occupation on the lazy Sunday.

But the movie was different. It was a very fresh experience in terms of what Bollywood usually churns out. And for a change, it did not make me feel like 'why did they have to make the second half' or 'why did they have to solve the mystery', at the end of the movie, as had often been the case these days!

It had three different stories having a coincidental conjuncture - showing us parts of lives captured in different cameras - being narrated to us mostly through those cameras. In a way, the cameras are more the protagonists of the story than the principal human characters.

The first tale involves a camera of a student of a film institute trying to create a masala movie - and falling for the actress in the process, and what follows thereafter. Most of the scenes shown to us are from his camera - as he shoots - or progresses through his movie making - keeping his camera rolling most of the time.

The second tale is that of a security camera of a departmental store - showing us its part and involvement in a voyeuristic endeavour of capturing and selling 'real' footages having sexual undertones (or proper sex), involving the male-female regulars (staff, customer, etc.) of the store.

The third tale is that of a revenge sting operation orchestrated by a debutante against a popular pop star, in attempt to implicate him by exposing his methods of demanding sexual favours in return for providing the 'launch' to debutantes.

The three stories are connected by a thin line - coincidental, yet very distinctly portrayed, mainly serving the purpose of continuity, such that the audience finally feels the three plots to be part of the same larger landscape, instead of them being discreet experiences.

The entire film employed a very honest and direct mode of expression making some practically unrealistic sequences comes across as real and normal. The director had been able pull the audience very successfully into the realm of the movie. The characters, their dialogues, all seem very real - the entire cast had done a very good job in their roles - portraying just the characters they were expected to portray, falling very smugly into the places.

Technically, the movie uses the kinds of shots and angles that would appear natural to sting cameras, security cameras, hand-held digicams, and such - truly the shots from the cameras which seem to be telling the story. Yet, all this is done in a masterful way - keeping the storytelling and the impacts alive.

The movie also very successfully keeps the audience laughing all through, sometimes with its use of bold profane words in the exact same style as they are really used among friends, sometimes with its satirical humorous takes, and sometimes, as in the first tale, with simple direct portrayal of our own imitation styles of Bollywood emotional sequences.

Overall, it is a good movie, a fresh experience, and a recommended watch. It seems modern Bollywood is finally shaking off its fears and coming of age.

Movie Quotes

2009-12-10T03:07:00.002+05:30

Some quotations I loved, and remember, from Movies:

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned."
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"BEND low, O dusky Night,
And give my spirit rest.
Hold me to your deep breast,
And put old cares to flight.
Give back the lost delight
That once my soul possest,
When Love was loveliest.
Bend low, O dusky Night!"
- Nowhere in Africa (poem is by Louis Chandler Moulton)

"He who never speaks badly of women, does not love them.
Because to understand them and love them, you must suffer for them.
So then, and only then, can you find happiness on the lips of your beloved."
- Il Casanova di Federico Fellini

Mar Adentro: A Film about the Right to Die

2009-08-26T23:17:00.007+05:30

Yesterday, I watched Mar Adentro (Spanish, translates as 'Sea of Life'). The film was about a physically disabled man wanting to die. The film was masterfully done. It won the Best Foreign Language Oscar in 2004. I should have been able to experience its substance to the fullest. But I could not.

Because, something I had read years ago, something once pointed out to me by someone, which kept coming back to me.

It was during a sort of debate I have had on an earlier post 'The Right to Die'. I had then read of a particular judicial case of whether or not to administer death to Terri Schiavo - a person in persistent vegetative state. She had become brain dead, and after long years of judicial debate, the court had ruled in favour of administering death, considering it to be what Terri Schiavo herself would have wanted, and respecting her wish. I had agreed, and wrote an article against people who seems to be denying us the 'Right to Die'. The debate had then ensued on the blog when another one questioned this logic, and we continued for quiet a while researching the case of Terri Schiavo over the internet.

In the course of this debate, I was once pointed out a link to an article, which did have quiet an effect on me, though it did not derail me from my belief that the right to die is as much mine as the right to live. A phrase from that article which struck me most was: "... I believe that the American public, to one degree or another, holds that disabled people are better off dead." Do we glorify death for such cases because we ourselves are afraid of being in those states? Would extremely disabled people see life and death in the same way as we do? If they choose to die at all, would it be out of not being able to lead what we call a 'proper life', or just to get rid of unbearable pain or suffering? The article had more an effect on me than I had then thought, as I realise today, from its coming back to me while watching this beautiful movie. Anyway, that debate ended when logic was finally challenged with faith - and as always, no logic could ever counter faith, no matter how strong the logic be. Basically, we both jumped onto faith - me leaping into faith in logic (for the case), my opposition leaping onto faith in life and the sacredness of its continuity.

Coming back to Mar Adentro, it is a beautifully done movie, recommended for any movie lover.

I Love To See You Cry...

2009-07-12T13:37:00.006+05:30

<< Promoted from my paper diary... >>

That relationship in which there is no tears is no relationship at all. The intensity of feelings, of sadness should cross all barriers - of anger, of rationality, of determination, of poise, of self-respect - all the barriers which stands against the sublimation of the innocent soul in love, in complete surrender.

These moments of pain will bound the souls together in a bond stronger than any other.

On such bonds, on such depths of foundations, can lofty mansions be built elevating man to absolute clarity, truth and beauty.

Without pain there can be no happiness.

Without tears there can be no rapture.

I love to see you cry. Because your tears stand as the strongest and truest testimony that you feel.

P.S. (added later): Are tears the price women have to pay for the insecurities of men? If she knew it all, will she willingly pay the price?

Scribbles: 19th April, 2009

2009-04-19T23:09:00.005+05:30

It has been some time, some months, since my last post. Has there been nothing to write about? No - that cannot be the reason - because there is always things to write about if you want to write.

Anyways - some posts ago - I had maintained here that if there is even the tiniest of the things one can do towards the realisation of one truest desires which will not render him in some irrecoverable position, then one should go for it. Honestly speaking, I knew not then how much I myself would have been able to follow on to it. But today, I can complacently state that I have - at least on a few most important aspects - been able to follow up on my own principles.

I know not if these were wise to do, I know not what fruits these will finally yield decades later - but what I do know is that I'm happy and and have no regrets, and that I will never have any regrets out of these. Through all my years, I do have learn't one important thing - something which I should have probably learn't long ago - that any day one would rather make his own mistakes than somebody else's.

Antarmahal

2008-12-28T22:18:00.004+05:30

Believe me - had the climax been anything less than what it was, I definitely would have thought much less of the rest of the film - I would have thought it deliriousness coming from Rituparno going by how his latest films (at least the latest few I have seen) touches on this very same theme one way or the other.

I have just watched Antarmahal, and notwithstanding the above, true to his genius, Rituparno Ghosh brought forth such a climax, that I cannot help feeling that maybe the rest of the film was still justified coming even from him.

The entire film was laden with female sexuality, her body, her spirit, and the maltreatment of all these as it was supposed to have been practiced 100s of years ago in Bengal.

The film was good as is usual of him, but while watching the film, I had started complaining that all his films somehow touches on this same subject - and it gets treated in his trademark way - and all this becomes monotonous, and sometimes even ghastly given the subject. Once or twice, the effect is fantastic, but one really cannot go on digesting the same pattern as often as Rituparno seems to shelve it out. I was thinking why on earth does he not think of the thousand other sensitivities lying out there for him to exploit?

But the climax of Antarmahal balances it all. All in the last 10/15 minutes. And indeed, these last minutes do propel the film in dimensions other than just female sexuality, mind and body. Art and the artist were hailed. I'm sure - the last two or three scenes, including the showing of the goddess' face to the foreign painter, the brief shot of Soha Ali Khan after the idol was opened publicly, and finally the dolls with the sacred flames lit in the last scene - all these will stay with me for a while.

Now, after being done with it all, and looking at the film from a perspective, I find myself asking about the acting - who acted best, et all. And somehow, I'm unable to answer that. No one seems to have got such dramatic chances of acting. Or maybe everyone got equal shares. I'm not sure. At first thought it seemed that the film did not provide much chances of such acting. But then, it is very obvious that a film like this cannot be carried without good acting. And yes, all through the film none of the actors ever felt out of themselves.

Maybe this is truly good direction - coupled with good acting from all - as a result of which, none of the characters protruded obliquely above the others - yet all of them fell nicely into the overall picture, thereby culminating in an overall good effect.

Muslims to answer?

2008-12-07T13:38:00.002+05:30

They have put Muslims in the frontline. Following the Mumbai terrorist attack orchestrated by Muslims from Pakistan.

I just saw a program where they have literally put some eminent Muslims in a row - and a mass of audience (Hindu?) are asking them questions. Questions about how the innocent Muslim will clear the mass misunderstanding brewing in the masses, manifesting in a person getting scared by seeing a Muslim in sight (!!!).

What do these eminent persons think about how to clear up this psychological impact?

There was visible exasperation and anger in the face of some of the ones who had been called forth.

The program host maintained - and these persons said and agreed - that other Muslim should not at all be called forth to explain. Why should they be at all require to explain and clarify their innocence? Terrorism has no religion, and we all no that.

But the irony was that, by hosting a program of this kind, the very program is acting against this philosophy - they have called forth these people to answer. To have them explain away their position. This very program, I think, was acting more against the cause which it seeks to address, than any person getting scared when seeing a Muslim.

Some people are beyond religion. Truly religious and devoted people also always fall in this category. It shows on their face. No matter what religion they follow, they are all united in some core basic values and understanding. All religions are united in their basic values - of humanity, tolerance and responsibility.

I could not help but feel sorry for these people - who for no action of their own - who by some twisted coincidence of fate have been put on trial. They are fully entitled to the exasperation and anger showing on their face despite the attempts to veil them. I think it is a gross insult even to bring up this topic to them in this way.

Never say - .......

2008-11-15T19:02:00.007+05:30

Everyday I come across these lines often. But these actually makes no sense - at least that is what I feel. So, please, never say:

There is not enough time.
Because, the time is constant - it never decreases (or increases) - it is always there - 24 hours a day. Nobody is making the day shorter for you. It is not that you do not have enough time - it is that you want to spend the time in other things. And nobody actually ever 'wastes' time - whether one is watching TV or lazing or sleeping - he IS using the time. If you want to see TV badly, or sleep badly, you will reply 'I have no time' to an otherwise 'important' thing - meaning you do have time, but that other thing is of lesser priority that the thing you want to do with your time.
So everyone always have enough time. No matter what. And never say otherwise.

Because it happens that way.
Now, my friend, that is one of the dumbest things to say. 'It happens that way' just because someone is doing it that way - nothing else. If you do it the other way, it will start happening the other way. As simple as that. The moment the rationale of doing it the way 'it happens' is not clear - make something else happen. It always gets me pissed off when I hear someone justifying anything by this clause - that 'it happens that way'!

(To your employer) I'll do my best.
Please - the company is not paying you to 'do your best'. It has no interest whether you do your best or not, or what your best is. You can either do the thing, or not. If you think you can, say you will do it - else say you cant do it.

The blog had been ignored for quiet a long while. Exactly five months. Possibly one of the longest droughts. All blames go to my new project - which had been quiet like a circus for the last months. Well, at least after so many days, here is something for my good old blog!

Capital Punishment?

2008-06-15T02:59:00.003+05:30

Recently, I came across a post in Wipro blogs putting forward the old question of morality of capital punishment - whether or not it should continue in today's world. I'll just put forth here the series of thoughts which that post triggered off in my mind.

Every man has his right to live, his right to his own thoughts - and his rights to act upon them.

Just because I think a path is right, something is ‘just’, does not necessarily make that really right or just. What is really ‘just’? No one knows. Your philosophies and principles should change with time. If they do not, you are not learning – you have closed yourself to the world. (Your rate of change of philosophies can slow down with age, but they should never stop.)

Similarly, just because the majority happens to believe in a certain thing, it doesn’t sanctify that thing as the 'right' one. (One's singular ideals have as much chances of being right as the majority's opposite ideals. So, why should one confrm to majority? For stability/security? But does not world become insecure/imperfect for the one who is forced to conform?)

Every man has right to his opinions and ideas. And to act upon them. If, however, I think he is acting wrongly, I’d act against it - but at the same time, I’d uphold that the other should act only in the way he thinks is right. Similarly, if the majority thinks he is acting wrongly, they have every right to act against him. Result? The stronger in might wins. And that is perfectly logical. And that is the only thing which has always happened. That is what actually has always shaped ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. And I think that this is the only acceptable and logical way one can justify any ‘code’ or ‘law’ in society. That the majority – read ‘stronger’ mass – wants something to happen in a certain way. Not by arguments or opinions or ideas or ideals.

And by this code, in the same way that a man has every right to end another’s life if he thinks that is needed according to his perspective of events and is willing to face oppositions from person(s) thinking otherwise (he has actually done so always, and will do so forever), the government can also administer death if it feels threatened from the individual and deems it a necessity (again, has done so always, and will do so forever). It can administer death for its own defense. It does so in war. It can do so in domestic incidents also. Though I personally don’t like it this way - I like winning over the adversary - that only is true power - yet I’d not say that this is wrong if followed.

Along the same lines, I do not have anything against the terrorist himself who believes in what he does and kills a thousand lives who are innocent in my eyes. However, since I think it is not just that the thousand innocent lives be dead, I’ll do whatever I can to thwart the terrorist’s efforts. But I wont - and cannot - say that he is wrong.

Only when the government - the system - becomes so strong and controlling that it no longer fears individual activists (’Brave New World’?) - only then can it afford to think of abolishing capital punishment altogether. Otherwise, death sentences will be needed and are perfectly justified.

"Intelligent" Authors?

2008-06-12T18:03:00.012+05:30

There are some writings which when reading I feel that the author must have had a razor sharp insight and very developed analytical abilities, along with a courage born of common sense and their confidence arising out of the knowledge of their own rationality and clear thinking abilities.

I think the following authors will be among such an "intelligent" lot of authors. I find them intelligent based on some observations they made through their creations. And all of them have the ability to masterly write out their observations - all of them are master storytellers too.

1. Ayn Rand: Whether or not you agree with her philosophy - she is a master storyteller with very true and intelligent observations - and there is no denial of all that she defines as positive in her novels. All that is very true. Though I don't completely agree with her dealings/opinions of the "altruistic" second-rate citizens, she did dissect the general digressive mentality very acutely and correctly, and I find her portrayal of the positive values irrefutable and true to the very core.
2. Leo Tolstoy: He appears definitely intelligent the way he makes his observations or makes his characters act, or manipulates them. And he is really a master storyteller. But I do hate (or maybe admire) his attitude and guts - it looks like he thinks himself to be a God or something - from the way he plays around and manhandles his characters! Very proud he must have been!
3. Arundhati Roy: She came out with only one book - and that too someone else "found" and published the manuscript for her. And what a book it turned out to be! "The God of Small Things" is strewn with comments and observations that are extremely simple yet hits you directly. And you cannot refute their truth.
4. Anne Frank: Ok, she was too young, but what she wrote in her diary at the age of 13 contained some straight simple truths and observations which elders can easily miss. At rare places, her writings showed characteristics of being 'free from the known'. I cannot help wondering what she might have contributed to the literary world had she gone on to live a longer life.

I find the writings of the above authors filled with traces of an intelligent sharp and analytical mind at work - they use their analytical/discerning intellect to create much of the effects.

Authors like Maugham, Dickens, Tagore use more of their "feeling" instincts, insights and observations to decipher human nature and reach the human heart. They are proficient in use of perhaps their own empathy and sensitivity in their understanding of human nature to create their masterpieces. Among contemporaries, I feel Amitava Ghosh, Vikram Seth to be in this later league. And I'm actually looking forward to find out if I can place Rushdie among any of these two classes. But I haven't finished any of his stuff - I was only one-third through Midnight's Children when I lost connection with the book!

Before I end, let me mention as a disclaimer that these are very personal views on the matter, could even be a totally fanciful take on the subject, but somehow I do find this to be so at the moment.

Pune: The Next Chapter

2008-06-03T13:38:00.013+05:30

Stationed from Pune, this will be my first post. Yes, I have finally got transferred to Pune - something which I had once very dearly wanted - at the time of induction in Wipro about a year back. But on which I was no longer so keen at the immediate moment. And actually, which I would have preferred to postpone for a month right now if I had the choice.

But I am here, and with that, the next chapter - or sub-chapter of my life begins in this new city.

The situation of transfer had come to me with a strange effect - with this opportunity, of something too welcoming some months back, suddenly dropping in front of me when I was no longer that keen on it. And yet - there was this something left from my earlier desires which was apparently still rendering this opportunity in a special light, making it look attractive. Anyways, the situation had required an immediate decision and I had decided to take the plunge. In the past, I have always had wanted to have an experience of Pune, and if it would come this way, so be it. The incentive of a change is always there - something which I really cherish.

Coming to my experience of this new city, I'm liking the environment here. The climate is pleasant - maybe just 2-3 degrees above Bangalore - but still pleasant. The landscape is often undulating - with some actual tiny hills present inside the city limits. In fact, the place where I am staying at Baner is just beside such a tiny hill. The scenery looks great. From my Wipro office at Hinjewadi also, one is greeted with a sight of hill ranges surrounding about half of the 360 degree view. From the 5th floor of my tower where I work, one can get a nice unobstructed view of the surroundings. I take occasional breaks walking out in the open terrace in my floor and refilling myself with a breath of the vastness and serenity.

There is something about the hills (or seas also) that attracts me so. The vastness, the challenge, the magnanimosity? The calmness, the serenity, the stillness, but filled with the potential of an unmatched force? The seemingly unexplored domains calling to be conquered? Vibes of a 'larger than life' feeling? Probably. But the bottom line is that I do enjoy this.

The only thing which is actually troubling me in Pune is the public transport from my place to office. The available modes of public transport from here are scarce and not that appealing. I'm planning to take a bike soon. Once you have a vehicle, travelling in Pune is a breeze - the roads are nice amidst abundance of vegetation on the sides.

Anyways, apart from the transport thing, it has been a good experience so far. I have put up in a good spacious 3BHK flat here having all facilities (including wifi broadband), shared with 5 other persons - a high spirited 'bindas' bunch. It is a nice and comfortable place with maids to take care of the household work and cooking. I'm looking forward to a comfortable stay here. And I have also been told that in the monsoons, places in Pune become all the more beautiful and enjoyable. I'm really looking forward to that.

I'm looking forward to find out what things Pune has in store for me.

Scribbles: 12th march 2008

2008-03-12T23:13:00.002+05:30

Today, I came across an older post of mine, a single short paragraph, which I saved as draft but had never posted. I'll put it up now, just as it is:

Sometimes, very rarely, people would come into your lives, and through seemingly inconsequential everyday commanilities would touch some unknown depths in your soul - without you ever being aware of it - and then leave, stunning you into the abrupt realisation that the person had somehow become a wholesome part of your vision of life. A realisation you never had until the time of depart. And then, you watch - watch in stunned astonishment and painful silence - as the moments of the parting unfolds - as if some unreal scene is being played out in the celluloid.

Freedom: Defined by Tagore

2008-03-12T06:30:00.005+05:30

What is freedom? What is the ideal free state? What state of environment is 'heaven'? These are eternal questions which have been, through ages, drawing out human endeavours for satisfactory answers.

Tagore has defined freedom, and the state of 'heaven' stemming from this freedom, excellently in this poem:

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

I find that very appropriate. That is true freedom - freedom culminating in a truly progressive society, a society celebrating, and living by, the human magnificience and excellence in its highest aspects.

Justification of Dreams?

2008-03-12T00:42:00.004+05:30

Dreaming is easy. Everyone can dream. Desire is easy. Everyone desires.

But to make even the least possible effort, even if a miniscule, towards the practical realisation of the dream, is what will make all the difference.

Thoughts like whether or not traversing the whole path will really be feasible, about all things which 'might' occur to obstruct you, etc - and all such defensive thoughts - will only pull one down, without ever giving any proper solution.

There is only two vital questions to ask oneself - do I really want this, do I truly desire this? Is there anything I can do right now, which would not render me in some irrecoverable position, and which would take me, even if by a miniscule fraction, towards the realisation of this dream?

If the answers to both of these are 'yes', what more is really there to wait for?

Often, we try to justify to others our actions towards the object of our desire, in a perspective in which the other person might understand it - might see it as proper, right or natural from his perspective. And in trying to do so, we get lost in a maze of words and thoughts. Of course, how could it be otherwise? Because, in our hearts, the truest justification of our pursual of that object is our own pure desire of that object, not its being 'proper' or 'right' or 'natural' in the eyes of others. (Now, our desire might have stemmed from such altrustic reasons - that depends upon the psyche - but the bottomline is that we do desire it.) And it needs no other, and would find no other, more proper justification for our pursual of it than our own pure wish and desire of it. Hence it follows that we would never be able to properly put it in same justification and light in which it would have been placed had it been explained away with its true justification - and it is only this justification which actually renders it, through a power of truth and simplicity, in more glory and magnanimousity than ever possible through any other justification.

Miss Mamata Banerjee and the Bengal Communists

2007-10-18T18:37:00.000+05:30

A certain topic I was listening today among my friends about the 'lawlessness' of the current society, of the eroding security, and such issues, made my mind wander to politics and political personages. Of core politics, I'll say nothing in this article, since that is not my objective, but the chanced wandering of my thoughts to one of Bengal's political icons - Miss Mamata Banerjee, is what has triggered this article, and of her, and of her opposition – the Communists in Bengal, I shall key in my present thoughts.

I have never been an avid follower of politics. I had always in my past looked at the political headlines with a kind of bewilderment as to why such bureaucratic nonsense attains such importance, as to how come such clashes come up between those 'wise old men' in regard to the question of common good (about which, in my personal arena I had never seen such doubts among people regarding what is progressive and what is degressive), and how come people keep supporting such men after clearly seeing how far they deviate from what they are supposed to be doing, seeing how they get carried away like stupid thick-headed children about their own personal egos! But of course, bewilderment or not, you cannot live without being aware of what goes around, and such is my case. And it is through such slow indirect accumulation of the political accumen over the years, that the opinion I voice here has taken shape.

The Bengal political scenario is divided in two main camps - the 'Communists' (strictly just a proper noun these days) and the 'Congress' (I'm totally lost about the significance of the name) - or rather, 'Trinamul Congress' these days to be more precise. The Trinamul Congress front is led by Mamata Banerjee, and the Communist front is led by Jyoti Basu, Buddhadeb Bhattacharaya, and others.

For many decades, the ruling Communist party had been comfortably reigning over the state. However, the last decade saw some serious momentum being gained in the opposition camp, led by Mamata Banerjee. I have for long been listening (being the silent listener - seldom voicing, but always attentive) to supporters of both parties, to both their sides of arguments, about how the other is absolutely lost. And against Mamata Banerjee, a prevailing general opinion which I have gathered is that she is incapable of the position of Chief Minister - that she is 'absolutely ridiculous' in many of her actions. But before going into her as I see her, I'll write out something about the ruling party - the 'Communists' - with whom she is up against.

Who are these 'Communists' in Bengal? It is of no doubt that they had lost credibility and had ceased to be useful at least in the last decade. Anybody can see through it. Yet, why, and how exactly, did they retain their vote bank and support? A popular opinion is that its by 'rigging' and by force, but I refuse to believe that unless a party have a huge chunk of true support, it cannot, however strong its 'force' might be, gain the majority of votes. Yes, it might be able to change 40% to 50%, but even if it has 20% true support, that is quiet a formidable number.

And in my personal circle also, I have found quiet a lot of people truly supporting the party. However, in more recent times, the party has shown certain reforms, and the support opinions I have heard might have been due to this. Yet, then, how come the party stood through the last decade - when it looked really all lost?

The party, when it had started, had its root in novel ideas. It must have had true communism in the heart. Many people believed in it. And true communism effects that people help people. This 'standing out' for others must have grown widely practiced inside the party. The party members took and gave favors to others. This practice must have become widespread. And this giving and taking is what I think brew a very intricate chain of 'loyalty'. So that now, the people if they move away, they would feel troubled by consciousness. And the majority of youth of the 'then' times, having grown older by now, and having thereby lost the openness of mind which happens with age, would naturally find it more difficult to move out. Their mental loyalty chain inhibits them from displacement even when they must be seeing through the fallacies which have been as clear as daylight. And still when someone truly speak for the party, I think it is because their mind having created for their comfort a circle of justifying reasons, which the mind falls to believe much more easily, since such a belief would keep it more comfortable.

Fighting such a system is no trifle. And it is this opposition that Miss Mamata Banerjee is up against. And I think, it is her kind of nature - the one true to herself and others - which can put up with such a situation.

As I mentioned earlier, a general opinion against her is that she is incapable of the position of Chief Minister - that she is 'absolutely ridiculous' in many of her actions. This is probably true to some extent. It is true, that many things which she does are indeed futile. It is true that she might give out an image of not being the ideal politician who is always in control and witty. It might be that what she does suddenly might even harm her own party's vote bank. So, then, what is it with which she is formidably spearheading the intricate system of power which has been attained by the ruling party?

It’s her nature. She believes in what she does and says. She feels it. She lives a life true to herself and to others. And it is this quality, I think, which has gained her most of her aides. A rare quality, and a seductive one too. She lives a real life. She has true empathy. She is heavily toiled, yet she still goes on. And because of such truth, she actually make some profound simple observations, can actually see through injustice, recognise it more by feeling than by reason, when there is one and takes certain steps, which being very real and true, naturally finds support from the intellect and the masses. I believe, people would find it easier to stick to her, than to her political ideas. With her, people would feel secure. With her, they would be able to identify. With her, they would feel trusty. And these days, that is a huge incentive. It is with such qualities, and because of such qualities, I think, that she has been able to gather such momentum and loyal aides, and as long as she remains true to these, she will continue to find loyal support, no matter what she does.

I myself don’t know whether I'd support her ideals or not, but I would gladly help her personally if ever she needs such help.

Scribbles: 12th August, 2007

2007-08-12T13:59:00.000+05:30

I am stranded. I need a personal computer. Its difficult to make blog posts within the limitations of a cafe. I need an environment and time to write. I do. I am not so proficient as to be able to compose stuff within five-ten minutes. I need to think, to type, to make corrections, etc etc - before I post something which says anything. Also, the computer will enable me to finish some unfinished tasks, like my project. I'll probably invest in a laptop this time - when my finances improve a little. Until then.....

Can you give someone half his life?

2007-07-02T21:00:00.000+05:30

Today I did a very stupid and negative thing. You cant give a man half of his life. I tried to do something just like that.

While returning from office today, as I was walking, a group of about 4-5 persons - 2 men and 2 women with children, approached me. They were a poor bunch, shabbily dressed, with the rough and haggard look that fate usually bestows them with. "Aap Hindi samajhte hai?" (Do you understand Hindi?), one of the men asked. I looked up with surprise and nodded hesitantly with an inquisitive frown on my forehead. And he started speaking. He spoke quiet in a flow. I was not getting his accent properly. What he was saying amounted to something like them having come from some distant place, and now being in deep trouble with no money. From all he said in his accented flow, this was all that I could make out with all my intent listening. So I guessed that they were looking for monetary assistance, and hesitantly and doubtfully asked about how much they needed.

Obviously, while listening and making out their intention of monetary assistance, I was quiet at loss about what to make of the situation. On one hand, I thought they might actually be in trouble, while on the other hand, I was extremely defensive and considered the notion of them cheating me. However, now as I sit and write this, the consideration that they might have cheated me seems less probable, and that makes the matter more worse.

Anyways, on that spot I was not being able to arrive at a concrete conclusion. I mean, I wanted to help if they were actually in trouble, while the defensive and fearful side of me kept urging me to just walk away, from fear of being cheated. And then I did this stupid and negative thing. I decided to go halfway. I offered them only fifty rupees. And took leave.

Even while giving away the fifty rupees, I was very conscious that I might be cheated. But even if there was a small chance that they are true, I had decided to go along with that. I had consciously chosen this, being fully aware of the risks. But there was yet this dark spot in what I had done, as I very soon came to realise. As I kept walking, the whole episode revolved in my head and kept making me feel somewhat uneasy. And about 10-15 minutes later, as I started seeing more clearly, I felt kind of ashamed of myself. The reason being, that even when I had decided to believe and go along with the positive, I could not do that whole-heartedly. I was bogged down by my negative side. By fear, by defenses. Things that always pull you down. I was defeated. I could easily have parted with 2-3 hundred more. Would not have made much difference to me. But that might truly have helped them. But I was simply afraid to do that. Afraid that I might be cheated. It was plain fear which got me. Thats how I failed myself. And I hadn't been able to do the thing in the right way.

Well, I hope I take a lesson from this. Someone had said a very nice thing a few days back - "What you don't need, give away. Don't horde." It was my instructor at Wipro. Maybe I'll be able to follow on some day.

Stationed in Bangalore

2007-06-29T21:21:00.000+05:30

Having abstained too long from blogging, I'll just make a hurried post in here. I'm in Bangalore now, this city being designated as my training location by Wipro Technologies. I'll be stationed here for three months - after which my location of posting will be Pune, as I had opted. I had opted for Pune in a wish to visit and experience some different place (having stayed in Bengal - primarily Kolkata - for 1/3rd of my life), and I'm lucky at getting to visit two cities in one go.

Anyways, Bangalore is a nice city, but the biggest problem here is the language. And I have no idea that by what stretch of reasoning they put up the names of the terminal places in the buses only in the local vernacular! Even the route numbers appear only in the local language in some of the buses!!

The Wipro campus is quiet impressive. The fact which startled me most was that it is protected by an electric fence. Never in my life have I seen any corporate office being protected by an electric fence. Being curious, I had raised the question in the brief security session we had on the first day, and the instructor had replied something like "it is to keep others from jumping into the Wipro campus"!!! What crap - even prisons don't employ electric fences! I wonder how sensitive the data is, if it is solely for data protection that they are employing this thing. Or probably being a global company, they also have additional threats from fanatic terrorist groups.

Well, maybe more on this later. Presently, I'll conclude this writing here as I am running out of time.

An Unique (Maybe Crazy) Travel Idea: Any Takers?

2007-04-24T18:20:00.001+05:30

I'm getting eccentric ideas. Now I fantasise about making a short quick trip to the four corners of India. Trip just for the sake of being in those places. Not for any sight seeing or anything. Just stay overnight, or two nights, and move on. Some Eastern point in Arunachal Pradesh in the East, Kanyakumari in the South, a very Western point in Gujrat in the West and as far up in Kashmir (or maybe before Kashmir) as can be gone safely in the North. How does that look like? Any takers?

So - how much time and money would it all take? Of course, the journeys would by the cheapest train fares possible. The total time maybe 13-14 days, counting two nights per shift, and two nights per city. And total fare maybe thus: 4000 (total travel, with each shift @650) + 250*8 (@250 per night for halt in the cities) = 6000, + 1000 for miscellaneous = 7000. And if I stay for two nights only in the alternate places, then subtract 2 days and Rs500, making it all within 11-12 days at 6500. If I stop by in Delhi in my cousin's place while returning from my last city at the Northern point, for 3-4 days. That makes the total 16-18 (or 14-16) days.

Cool, eh? Maybe some day, when I loose my sanity over churning out freakish codes, I should open up a travel agency!

Scribbles: 20th April, 2007

2007-04-20T18:14:00.000+05:30

I wake up. The phone is ringing. I look around - its is bright and the day has begun. I try to guess the time. The sun is coming in through the blowing curtains of the window beside my bed. It is about nine o'clock I guess. The mobile is still ringing. I pick it up. A friend of mine has called. Regarding some technical stuff of some installation of some software. Duhh! I give the instructions in a sleepy way. They always remember me in such needs. Satisfied with what I said, he hung up.

I fidget in the bed a little. I curse the sun disturbing my sleep. I draw up the curtains properly. And I go back to sleep.

The phone is ringing again. I am again disturbed. And this time, it is the landline phone. Sister comes in and picks it up. Its for her. I curse the day. I go to sleep. I relapse in a half-wake slumber.

Its hot. My sleep breaks again. The hot winds are coming in through the windows. This time, my sleep has slipped of naturally, not due to some interruptions. I know I must pull my lazy ass out of bed. But I still keep lying. I'm extremely lethargic. Lazy. Sulking away in the bed.

I fidget. I'm not comfortable. The mind is not at peace. It wanders lazily. Some words - from the Gayatri Mantra - somehow comes in from nowhere. What was it they said? "Tath savitur varenyam"? A vague uneasiness encompasses me - some vague recollections of feelings I had while I had watched the sun rising with those lines running through my mind. Something larger than life, powerful, magnanimous. While I had felt the sun running through my veins.

I get up. What is the nature of the feeling I'm having then? Remorse?

The Old Question: The Book or The Movie?

2007-04-16T16:04:00.000+05:30

Yesterday, I happened to be in a discussion, where the comparison between a movie and its book came about. The question, inevitably, rolled on to how the movie based on a book, and how the book in original, compares to each other. Which is more expressive - the book, or the movie?

As I have always maintained on this issue, there can be no comparison between a book and its movie. The question is absurd. They are in completely separate domains - on what frame of reference can you exactly measure them up? It is like asking which is more expressive or superior - the paintings, the songs or the pure instrumental music? Which is more useful - physics or biology? Can anyone answer them?

The argument followed, that one has always found the book to be much more satisfying than the movies. Whenever the person has gone to a movie of some famous book he has read sometime before, the movie hadn’t satisfied him as much as the book. But that is obvious, isn’t it? In books, the author banks upon the imagination of the reader to create much of his sensitive effects. The same scene, described in same words, would lead to different visual imagery for different readers. The author specifies much, but there exists a lot of space for the 'unsaid' things, space for personal life and psychology to get identified with the theme. And it is precisely the 'unsaid' things, which when we realise, feel, through the lines of the author - which makes us feel most deeply, and gives us the most satisfaction. Now these things - this visualisation of something by the reader - this experiencing of the same situation in similar yet delicately different ways based on our own personal psychological profile, always happens in a way which is the most comfortable and likable to our own psyche. Given the freedom, from any skeletal framework in the book, the mind will always conjure up an image which is the most appealing for the person. Any other form, which might be more comfortable for others, would suit a little less. And books have precisely this advantage over films - in books, we have a much larger freedom in our perception, identification and visualisation of the theme. Whereas in films, the scope of visualisation of our own images is hugely diminished or changed or doesn’t exist at all. The director has to put forward his visualisation, and he has to bank on other kinds of expressions through which the audience has to appreciate the film. Instead, you should find greatness through other situations, expressions and treatments, which only if you could keep yourself open, you would be able to perceive.

Now, you might say, don’t films provide this space for manoeuvre? Doesn’t the same scene appeals to us in different ways? Yes, it does. It has to - since it is the 'unsaid' things - the things we come to feel/realise - which moves us most deeply, films and any other form of art has to provide that space of manoeuvre to appeal to anyone. But when a film is based on a book you have read, the spaces of manoeuvre offered by the film can be more constrained and totally different from those provided in the book. And that is exactly where the conflict occurs. The film will, of course, appeal with a lot of subtleties, but the places where these are placed, are more likely than not, not the same places where you had the maximum freedom in the book. And so if you try to exactly recapture your experience of consumption of the book from the movie, you are bound to fail miserably, since much of what you had imagined has been replaced by how the director imagined such scenes.

So, in conclusion, I'd say that though a movie can be based on some book, it is in itself an entirely new creation, and should never be 'compared' with its inspirational source. Books and movies are two different forms of expression. Movies have only our eyes and ears through which to reach us. Books have the total freedom of directly appealing to our intellect and simulate whatever simulation of all the five senses is most appealing to our persona. Each of us perceives the same descriptions and events in the ways most satisfactory to our mind. And this freedom of visualisation gives rise to a huge mistake people make when going for the movie - they tend to re-capture their experience of the book from the movie. But that is never to be, since the constraints of expression through a movie will inevitably lead to changes in what the users are shown and in what things they are allowed the maximum manoeuvrability for imagination, feeling and perception, compared to what they had in the book. Instead, to enjoy to the movie for what it really is, one should take it as something original and entirely new – and should open himself up for a new experience.

The Singalila Pass Trekking Experience: A Day-By-Day Log

2007-01-10T22:46:00.032+05:30

Last 5th January, I had returned home from my second trekking experience. This time, we had gone to Singalila Pass - starting from Uttarey in Sikkim and ending at Rimbik in West Bengal, going through Kalijhar, Singalila Pass and Phalut. We had started off from Kolkata by bus on 27th December night, and had returned back on 5th January noon. Before I forget, I'll jot down here my day-to-day memory of this trekking experience. I'm jotting them down in a very factual and raw format - just as I'm remembering them. This will become a HUGE article any maybe monotonous at times, but I'll presently leave it just as it turns out to be.

The Team:

Day 1-2:

Our bus from Kolkata to Siliguri was scheduled to start at 8:00pm from the Esplanade bus stand. We had decided to meet up at about 7pm. The four of us - me, Saikat, Nandini and Noirita, along with some (or all) family members, were all there within about 7:10pm. After meeting up, we gave up our luggage in the back space of the bus, and waited. The bus finally started off at about 8:45 pm. We were finally on our own - we were finally started off for the trek trip for which each of us had already gone through a lot, and given a lot. How exactly we had managed to come to this point of actually being able to successfully start this trip is itself a long story. But I'll not go into that now.

The journey, scheduled to take 12-14 hours, took a handsome 18 hours, thereby upsetting our next plans. Upon reaching Siliguri, we had planned to commute to Uttarey, our trekking base, on the same day, but at that time around 4pm, there were no vehicles ready to take us that far. One made an offer, but for a hefty Rs2400, which was beyond our budget. Another agent promised it at Rs1400, but then had to curtail the journey to take us only till Jorethang, since finally no car could be arranged till Uttarey. So, we opted to reach Jorethang for Rs1250 - the farthest up we could reach that night.

The journey from Siliguri to Jorethang took around 3.5 hours and we reached Jorethang at the extremely inconvenient time of after 8pm. In these hilly areas, the localities shut down after 7:30pm. So, on reaching, we found the entire place shut down. Placed in an extremely inconvenient position, we had to scout quiet a while, exploring through the dark alleys and roads, from door to door, before finally landing up an accommodation. Double bedded rooms were available at Rs 200 each. Not really being in a position to bargain about the cost of accommodation, we had to settle for what we regarded as a quiet higher price than what we would have got in daytime. However, the rooms were got were quiet comfortable. For dinner, we had rice and dal and a sabji - during that time, they provided no other options. Since we might be starting our trek from the following day itself after reaching Uttarey, we re-arranged our rucksacks to provide for two large ones for porters, and lightening the ones of the girls, for whom this was also the first trek experience. We slept well that night.

Day 3:

The next morning, we were to start for Uttarey. We had planned to reach Uttarey by road as early as possible, and then start the trek for Chittrey the very same day. Since we were already one day behind our original schedule, we were opting to cover up as much as possible on each day. With this thought, we started looking for cars in the early morning, but none were to be found in the morning on the share basis. So after some deliberations, we reserved a car for Rs1000 (which, as we came to know later, could have been much lesser) and started our journey to Uttarey. During the journey, we realised that this part could really not have been covered last night directly from Siliguri, as we had then wanted. The path was a moderately steep winding one, uphill through fogs. It took around a good three hours (or a bit more) to reach Uttarey.

At Uttarey, we had to arrange for a permit and hire porters before we could start for the trek. We had decided upon two porters for our group of four. After getting out of our car, we were kind of surprised at not being flocked by the locals in offering of guides, porters or accommodation, a treatment we had received last year at Maneybhanjan - the base of our last year's trek to Sandakphu. Anyways, after a bit of walking around, we found a man who operated a 'Green Valley Treks and Tours' and was also the owner of a lodge and a schoolmaster. We decided to further our trek preparations with this person - Mr. S. B. Subba. We unloaded our luggage at his place and released the car (so far, the luggage alongwith Nandini and Noirita, were in the car).

On discussing with Mr. S. B. Subba, we were told that the arrangement of permit would require a day, since the office and person required to issue the permit was not within reach that day (it was at Dentam - a nearby village). Also, it was prudent to halt here for the night and start the trek the next day. He also gave various other details regarding the route, filled in a lot of various missing information and assisted us a lot. He gave the exact details of where we would require the tents, how we would acquire our foods, etc - no trekkers hut was available at Chewabhanjyang and Kalijhar. We would have to share with the army (or guards) at Chewabhanjyang, and Kalijhar would require tent. The sharing of army quarters would require a bottle of Rum as a gift to the army or guards up there. Also, the porters would have to cook and bring back food from Chewabhanjyang on the night we would camp at Kalijhar, since we have brought no cooking provisions and Kalijhar provided none. Mr Subba said that he would arrange for us all these things.

We stayed at Green Valley Lodge that night, in a room which had two beds - each supposedly a double bed, but which under normal standards had dimensions of single beds. The room also had an attached bathroom with a geyser. All this at the very modest cost of Rs 130. But the foods were costly - one plate momo costed Rs 20! In effect, the saving of accommodation was more than covered up in the cost of food. In the evening, we went out with a list of items, to buy the rations which we will need at Chewabhanjyang and Kalijhar, where we must make our own food arrangements. However, when we had started out for our bazaar, the shops in the locality were shutting down. But we did manage to get our stuff. That night we laughed and talked quiet a while and finally went to sleep.

Day 4:

We woke up before 6am, which by trekking standards is quiet late rising. We met the two porters who were to accompany us. We also learnt that tent had to be carried for them (of course!), and also that Mr Subba had provided us some utensils at no extra cost. He also took only 3 days' cost for the tent of porters, though it would be there for at least 5 days. The porters had to be provided one day's extra fee for return. And for their extra toil at Kalijhar in bringing us cooked food from Chewabhanjyang, we were to give them Rs100 each. The permit officer had arrived, and the permit for 4 of us, the 2 porters and all costed us a total of Rs 275. After a breakfast with 4 pieces of toasted bread, one boiled egg and a glass of tea, we started out on our first day of the trek.

The trail started along the base of a hill, with a easy climb along a rocky and uneven trail averaging around 3 feet wide. I was quiet happy with this trail, as this very different from the road-way (motorable!) I had got at Sandapkhu trek last year. This had all the looks of a proper "trek" trail.

At the start, we had to cross a few streams, and in one of these, I wetted my shoes. Trying to be extra careful, I lost balance, and had to step down fully inside the running water to avoid total tippling over. The two girls crossed it much more gracefully, and Saikat wetted the lower part of his shoes - up to the inner sole such that his socks did get wet, but none like mine - I had completely stepped down in the running water. Immediately after crossing it, we rested a bit while I wrung the water out of my socks, and Saikat changed his pair. Having no better option, I kept on with the wet socks and shoes - changing to a dry pair of socks would not have helped since the shoe was totally soaked up. But due to the cold and the tiredness, I did not really feel the wetness during the rest of the trek.

Some way up, the trail became extremely steep. The girls were totally exhausted. We had to use our hands also for the climb - balance was not possible for us just on our foot, at certain spots. We went slowly. I wonder what I would have done had I got this kind of trail on my first trek experience. In comparison, I must say that Noirita and Nandini did quiet well. The porters were also following some 'short-cuts' to save some time seeing our pace, and these short-cuts were all the more steeper. Anyways, after much toil, we finally reached Chittrey - which was a halt on our way to Chewabhanjyang. There was a single lonely hut at Chittrey, but it was not probably a trekker's hut. It was situated on a stretch of a plain field. It was looking beautiful, and we took some snaps. Had there been sunlight, the snaps would have come out much better - but it was already cloudy and foggy at that time - around 12:30 pm.

We rested a bit there. Noirita, I suddenly saw, had lied down straight on the field in resting - which was a thing to be avoided in the middle of a trek. I immediately ran up to her and made her to sit up at least.

After about 20 minutes of resting and drinking water, and eating tid-bits (primarily biscuits), we again started to complete the rest of the day's trail. The way from here was again steep - at least so it appeared for amateurs like us. Noirita and Nandini were again exhausted. I would also have been badly exhausted, had it not been for the pauses I was getting due to the slow pace of them. After about another 2 and a half hour of continuous uphill trek through sparse forests, we finally got a view of a fence at a hill-top. This, we were told, is the Chewabhanjyang post we are after. We could also hear dog barks from below. This sound from our destination within our reach added some momentary fuel to our stamina.

At about 3pm, we finally reached the Sikkim police/guard establishment premises. We put down our luggage, and rested on a bench at first, and then inside a room with fire (where four other guard personnel were playing cards). When we had first sat down on the outside bench, we got a feel of the chilling cold as the warmth of our body resultant from the effort of the day's trek was going away. Then when we entered the room with the fireplace, it felt heavenly as we sat encircling the fire. While we were resting, our porters were talking with the guards there to arrange everything. Everything went as planned, and we were given a room in an empty wooden building. We used its toilets and kitchen. In the kitchen, the porters had lit a fire using logs of woods and had started warming up water.

My shoe was still wet, and I put them up to dry close to the fire in the kitchen, and switched to using the pair of 'ketoes' brought by Saikat (of course, along with two or three pairs of socks). We handed over the bottle of Rum we had bought as the 'gift' for the guards up there - it was handed over to them by one of our porters. After properly settling in the room and unloading our luggage, we realised that we were all very hungry, and needed something to eat. No food would be available from the guards up there. The porters asked what to do about food, and we decided to cook up the four packets of noodles we had brought from Uttarey. The porters took it, and we asked to serve it to four of us, and also to keep some of it for the two of them. While we waited and massaged our sore muscles in the room, we were informed that the meal is ready.

We went up to the kitchen and sat around the kitchen fire. Never in my life had such a simple soup-noodle tasted so heavenly. The hot steaming bowl was like manna, and while eating, I had looked not even sideways. With full attention and satisfaction, I gobbled up every bit of it. I remember Noirita saying something like how choosy and unyielding she used to be at home when her mom cooked up nice dishes of noodles for her, and in what contrast she was relishing the utterly plain preparation here!!

Anyways, after the meal, we went back to our room and started arranging our baggage. Today, the sleeping bags would be required and we started spreading up the four mats. We engaged in our own chores, and I each of us spent quiet some time beside the kitchen fire. There, one of the porters informed that two kilogram of some kind of meat was on offer from one of the guards - at the price of Rs150 per kg. I was absolutely overjoyed at the prospect of having meat preparation in this environment, and after a quick discussion with the other three, readily agreed to buy the two kilos. We decided to cook up 1kg that night, and keep the rest for the night at Kalijhar. The officer came, and going up with him to receive the meat, I was shown and told that it was taken from an animal which was probably killed by the officer (I did not clearly understand the words he was speaking). He had dried up the meats and kept them to take home. From his total store, which I saw hanging from 'rods' from the ceiling in a room, he was offering us 2 kilos. Anyways, whatever be the source and story, I was quiet happy at obtaining it.

Dinner was served at about seven. Our porters were the cook. They had prepared the meat and rice. Just these two items. It would have been great, but unfortunately, the meat preparation was not at all what we had hoped for. It was, in fact, not anything like I had even tasted before. It was like plain boiled meat. The meat pieces were too small (cubes of 1cm) and the meat itself was hard like rubber. Probably an effect from being dried up for a long time. Anyways, we ate whatever we could. I ate much more of it than the others. I guess, the food had appeared more unwelcome for them than to me. Anyways, after this meal, we started arranging our sleeping bags in preparation to sleep. We obtained water for our hot-water bags from the porters. I did not feel that I would need it, and so didn’t take one for me.

As it happened, the sleeping bag I had hired from Himalayan Association appeared to be the most efficient. It had the least weight, and was the warmest. We had started by getting into our own respective sleeping bags, but after the passage of some time, I realised that everyone was quiet uncomfortable. Noirita appeared to be really cold - and so I switched my sleeping bag with hers. (In fact, after getting into my bag with quiet a lot of warm clothes still on, I had been feeling kind of hot!) So, I gladly made the exchange, and Noirita thereafter was a bit more comfortable. But the next morning I realised that I was in fact the one to have slept the most. Saikat and Nandini had not slept at all, while Noirita had slept only a little bit.

Day 5:

We started the day on a very lazy note. All of us were awake (or some have been awake all through the night, to be more accurate) well before sunrise. And of course, we had plans to see the sunrise. So, after every few seconds, I kept asking "won’t we go out to view the sunrise" and to this, Noirita kept replying "of course - we surely should get up and see". But no one was actually getting up. Suddenly, Saikat (who had been a real sulky mood all of last night, having not been able to sleep at all, and having problems with his sleeping bag) got straight up and went out without a word. It appeared he still was not in the best of his temper. Seeing this - or probably getting inspiration from this - Noirita went up and out after a few minutes. Of course, there was no way I could still lie down (see - I was also designated as the nominal 'leader' of the troop - so how can I possibly laze away while others become active) and hence got up and went out. Nandini appeared the most reluctant, and only when no one was lying down, she got up. I was just lucky enough to catch the sun rising. When I had finally gone out with my camera, the sun was a little more than halfway up (half-circle). Saikat had got the first shots; I barely managed one shot of the rising sun. Thank god, I was just in time to get that view, since as fate had it planned, that was to be the only sunrise we would be watching on our entire trek.

Soon after sunrise and taking a few snaps (yesterday it was dark and foggy when we had reached - so we got no good snaps then), we started getting ready for the trek ahead. We used tissue papers for the first time today to wipe us clean. (Uttarey had the geyser with warm water.) We ate a sparse breakfast with whatever provisions we were carrying, and started out. We had brought along with us 12 boiled eggs, and today we ate one from it (I forgot how many of us ate an egg that morning - but I did).

We finally started our trek around 8:30 am. The trail today was much easier at start, and much more beautiful. We got good views. So far we had not come across any ice or snow - so we were highly excited when we came across the first patch of snow. We took snaps - and our faces in the snap will testify that we were genuinely really glad and happy with that first spectacle of snow in our path.

As we went on, the snow increased in our path. Gradually, at some places it became a bit dangerous - with the paths fully covered with snow, going along the hill slopes in a thin trail for foothold, with open hill-slope running down at one side. One of the porters was going at front, showing us the trail, and another was catching up along the rear. We went very carefully. The porters here helped the girls in treading the steps.

Today's distance was much shorter and less tiring than the previous day's. At around 12:30pm, we reached Kalijhar - the spot where we were to halt for the night. The place where we halted had snows scattered along it. On a clearing surrounded by higher lands on all sides, we pitched our tents. The spot was such chosen with higher lands on all sides so that the gush of flowing air at night is lessened. Ours was a beautiful tent with blue and red colours. It looked beautiful and bright in the clearing. The tent of the porters was dull green in colour in comparison.

After pitching the two tents, the porters lit up a fire in a nearly place about 20 paces away. We all surrounded and sat by that fire there for some time. Again being quiet hungry, we ate some biscuits. We took a few snaps. Soon after we left the fire (as it grew dim), we realised how cold it was. For some time, each of us loitered on our own, relishing the landscape in our own ways. Then Saikat and Nandini went inside the tent. Noirita was sitting alone on a rock, looking out into the landscape ahead. I went and loitered along the landscape. I hoped for good snaps, but found none because of the fogs and clouds which were getting thicker. I climbed up a nearby hill and looked over. It was beautiful - till whatever was visible. It felt great. From where I was standing, our tents looked appeared like small colourful objects amidst the snow and clouds.

Coming a bit towards our tents, I found that Noirita was still out on her own and had gone up a few paces and was standing quiet still, looking up ahead. She was completely engrossed in herself. The way she stood motionless, still and alone, her entire poise, provided a remarkable spectacle - and would also have been a good snap at some other brighter times. But it was already getting dark and foggier. I walked up and decided to explore a bit further in another direction - the one she was facing. As I went ahead and climbed up, the visibility was getting lesser. Very soon, I could no longer see the tents. The dark and still figure of Noirita was then all that was visible. As I went a bit further over, she also got out of my line of sight. Now, all I could see was barren mountains with patches of snow and small dried up shrubs with ice coatings on their branches and leaves. I stood there for some time, afraid to venture any further up ahead, in fear of loosing direction. I wondered, how I would be if I really got lost in this setting. There was no human habitation at least within 3 km radius. And as far as I was concerned, there was no sign of any other form of life either. It was a chilling thought - and I experienced a kind of romantic fear - standing there all alone in that place, with no friendly form of spectacle in sight. After a few minutes, I decided that it was enough and that I should now return. But as I started on my way back, I got another little shock. The visibility had worsened, and after the few paces I had hoped to get the sight of Noirita standing, I could see nothing. At this point, I was not even sure whether she had moved away, or whether the visibility had just decreased or whether I was already in some wrong direction. Going by my best directional judgments, I kept moving forward. There was nothing else to do. Truthfully, I was a bit nervous at that time. Anyways, after some more paces, the figure of Noirita came up in view again. Thankfully, she was wearing dark blue jacket and trousers and this dark stature was more prominently visible. As I walked to where she was standing, the tents also came into eyesight. As I passed her, she asked how far did I go - at which I replied that I went just a bit - till the point where I lost visibility and decided to turn back.

After some more minutes, we all were inside the tent. It was 31st December. Saikat had brought along a cassette player with a speaker, and four cassettes of Bengali pops (Anjan Dutta, Nachiketa, etc). So we started 'celebrating' the New Year Eve with the music. We talked and jested a bit. But the effect of cold was on all, and also the effects of exhaustion especially for the girls. As it grew darker, we started planning for our sleeping arrangements. We decided to tuck in our shoes inside the tent for the night - otherwise they will be stiff cold and wet in the following morning. Since the sides of the tent would be colder, we two boys offered to take up these two, but Noirita wanted to take up one side. Finally though, we had actually slept in the positions we were resting in the tents - Nandini and me at the two sides, Noirita beside me and then Saikat. For dinner, we had decided to avoid the meat tonight - and we had instructed the porters to cook dal, rice and some sabji. They had gone off to Chewabhanjyang to cook it there and bring it back. At about 5:20pm, they came up to the tent and informed that dinner way ready. They were expecting us to go up beside a fire light up at the place where we were initially resting in the afternoon, but we were extremely reluctant to leave the comfort of our tent and venture out in the dark cold. So, we arranged to have the dinner inside the tent itself. As it happened, the entire food cooked was without salt - since it was exhausted and not available, and everyone except me ate too little of it. I also ate lesser than normal, but that was more due to the environment (desire to finish up the dinner as early as possible?) than due to salt - it had tasted tasty enough for me!

A few minutes after dinner, and we all were smugly inside our sleeping bags. We talked a bit, Saikat played his cassette player for some time. Then we tried to fall asleep. Before falling asleep, I was joking about thunderstorms and all, about our tent being blown away by a storm. I'm not sure if everyone was really appreciating my sense of humor in the way it was supposed to be. Anyways, I slept for quiet a while before waking up. But after waking up, I saw that really some strong winds were blowing. And I was also extremely surprised at another thing - I found specks of ice falling from our tent roof. Investigating, I found that these ices were from the condensed water layer which had formed on the inner side of our tent. This condensation was probably from the moisture of our breathing. This condensed layer of water had turned to ice, and with the gusts of wind shaking the tent roof, these were falling on us!! I also noticed another thing with alarm - that a corner of the outer upper layer of our tent had come off. Our tent had two layers - the outer layer was a separate one hoisted above the actual tent roof. I saw that the corner of that above my head had come off and was blowing in the wind. It was clearly showing due to the moonlight making its shadow on our tent roof. The strong wind had blown it off! The shadow was very prominent, and the moonlight was very bright. Way beyond what I expect it to be in cities. I wondered how it would be outside. Thinking of the moonlight outside, I finally could not resist venturing a look through the small window our tent had, So I sat up, and peeped outside moving a small corner of the window. As I peeped outside, a gust of cold wind rushed in through that very small opening. But the glimpse of the outside I saw then is something I would never forget. It was something I had never seen before - not even in my previous trek. It was something I had never even imagined possible, even while reading various novels and descriptions of moonlight. I had never seen so clear a landscape, in so bright, yet so soothing a light. It was like a special kind of floodlight with a very soothing yet powerful light had light up the entire landscape evenly. I cannot really describe what I saw there in words here. It would never be anything even near it. But there it was. Like a discovery - of something I did not know existed. The cold winds rushing in, and the thought that I'm making others uncomfortable by this venture of mine, made me quickly draw inside. But that flash of spectacle stuck to my eyes.

Day 6:

After that, I had fallen asleep for after lying awake for a while. I think I slept for about another two hours. While I was awake, none of the others except Saikat made any sounds to signify that they were awake, but I suspect they were not asleep fully. At best, they might have been in that half-sleeping daze. I again woke up sometime after 4:30. And from then, I did not really fall asleep again - I went off to light dazes for a few times I suppose. As it grew near 5:30, I noticed Saikat moving, and started asking about venturing outside for sunrise. But I guess I was not that enthusiastic about this venture myself, and neither did I get any enthusiastic response from any of the others. So, I and maybe we, talked about whether to go out in sunrise after a few moments, but none was actually getting up. Finally at about 6am, when it was quiet bright outside and we knew that sunrise must have happened already, we heard some call from our porters. I pushed out my head looking in the direction of the porters' tent. As I looked at them, they pointed out in the direction straight ahead - and turning, I saw am amazing spectacle.

In that direction, quiet literally looming just over the horizon, where there were only thick clouds yesterday, stood the majestic Kanchenjungha - clear and bright in the sunlight. I had never seen any snow covered peak so very near us. It was there, along with a series of other snow covered peaks on both its sides. The spectacle was superlative. I gave a hushed exclamation saying to the others that the peaks are visible majestically. And the reaction I got was overwhelming. The bodies, which so far looked so lazy and extremely reluctant of getting out, sprang up in an admirable sprite, and literally pushed my over in attempt to stick their heads out to get the view. (I was the one at the tent's entrance side.) Saikat was the first one to get out, and Noirita and Nandini, not yet quiet dressed up to get out completely, were literally pushing over my half sitting posture in attempt to have a look at the amazing spectacle outside. Anyways, soon enough, we had put on whatever clothing we found and thought enough to fight the cold, and were out taking pictures. I went up over the surrounding hill tops and got excellent views of the different sides. On one side, there were the peaks, and on another, there was the sun, just risen (we were about 20 minutes late, I guessed) over a sea of lush dense clouds. The clouds almost looked like standing waves in a turbulent sea. We were above the cloud layer. All around it was absolutely clear. The porters yesterday had expressed that we might not get any good views if such clouds as has been there yesterday, prevailed. Today, they called out and said that we two boys and two girls have proved out to be extremely lucky.

Anyways, after taking a quiet a few snaps, we started preparing for the next day's trek ahead. The sparse food we had taken yesterday had resulted in doing away of the need for the 'long toilets' (a term I learnt and am borrowing from a writing I saw in a public toilet at Jorethang!). For breakfast, we ate from our provisions which we had brought along. I was the only one eating a boiled egg. As I came to know later, Noirita had actually eaten very little then, which had resulted in more tiredness and exhaustion for her later that day on the trek. Nevertheless, all of us actually ate lesser than we otherwise would have. After some time, the porters came and folded up our tents. Our bags were placed in the sun - since the night had deposited a layer of thin snow on them. At about 8:30, we were all packed up and ready for the day's trek ahead.

We started off with a relatively easy trail. The sky was fully clear, and the views all around were majestic. We were going up - today we shall go to Phalut, through Singalila Pass. As we went up, the trail was becoming slightly steeper and covered with more ice. There was no vegetation at this altitude. But the scenery was a grand spectacle - with bright snow covered undulating hill top lands on our sides, the shining snow covered mountain peaks looming on the horizon, and the pleasant winter sun in the clear bright sky.

Soon, the ice coverings increased and we had to be more and more careful in our steppings. Saikat was wearing proper trekking shoes, and Nandini hunter shoes, but me and Noirita were wearing plain sneakers - with the only specialty being that these had an inner sole of canvas and an outermost sole of rubber - a design more suited for climbing purposes than ordinary shoes. We all were feeling quiet exhausted as we treaded the pass. Again, Nandini and Noirita were much more affected. The path grew more risky. And it was also more steep at points. We almost always had a downward sloping hillside at least on one side of our trail. A slight miss-stepping could make us slip and loose balance, and a fall at such places would mean definitely no return. Additionally, as we reached the tops of hills, the wind got really strong, and we (at least me) quiet had to fight to keep my balance at places. It was such that I thought at one point that had I known it to be of such nature, I definitely would not have chosen this track - especially, as a first-timer for the girls. Or even if it was not a first-timer. The two porters helped us a lot. They moved up and down, showing and making for us proper trails. They were bringing up the two girls by lending them support with their hands. So we kept moving slowly. The place was great for pictures, but we could only afford a few - being too engrossed in our own safety and careful stepping. We joked among ourselves that we ought to be given mountaineering certificates at having scaled such paths.

After quiet some time through such paths, we finally reached the topmost part. Just a few paces beyond it, there was a place suitable for resting. From this point onwards, there was no ice, or much less ice. We sat and rested at this place. Everyone took a sip of glucose. Even I took a draught of glucose this time - I was really feeling quiet exhausted. This was the first time I took glucose on my trek - and probably the last time too. We also ate some food (biscuits). I realised that the lack of proper food in the previous 24 hours was having its toll on me. I also saw that this was the very case for Noirita too - but more intense, since she had eaten a really meager amount of food in the last 24 hours. But of course, we had to move on. So, after about 15 minutes of resting, we again started. This time, the trail was easier, and was descending. Yet, I realised, I was feeling more exhausted that I had ever felt anytime before on this trek - and I realised this is why one must always eat his full during treks.

We had crossed our topmost point before 12. As we descended, the sky started getting full with clouds and fogs. The sun was no more and it became colder. At the ending part of our path, we again encountered ice covered trail where again we had to tread very carefully. Finally, we reached Phalut at around 3 pm (I suppose).

At Phalut, we saw that there was only one Trekker's Hut which provided accommodation to trekkers. The rates were Rs 100 for dormitory beds, and Rs 600 for a room with four beds. There were other persons in the dormitory, and we had opted to take up a room since there were female members in our team. Let me specify here, that prior to Phalut, we had not met any other trek team, or any other human being after Chewabhanjyang, to be precise. We tried to bargain with the cost of the room, but since this was the only hut, the lodge-owner or caretaker - or whatever he was, knew we had no other choice and didn’t reduce a paisa of the cost. When we said that we had stayed at Rs40 per head at Sandakphu, he openly said that there was competition at Sandakphu, and here there was none. So, we had to settle for the price he had quoted. It was plain monopoly.

After taking possession of the room, we started with our usual chores - a large part of which included massaging our sore muscles and applying balms. Dinner was to be at around 7, and I was very happy at the prospect of getting to eat a full hot hearty meal after so many days (it seemed really like 'so many days'). It was 'meal' system and so I could eat as much as I wished. Chappati was not available, but for once, I did not mind at all. At around seven we were told that the meal was ready. We went up into the table set up in the middle of the dormitory. I was literally all smiles at the prospect of relishing a full hot dinner. And I didn’t (I'd rather say "couldn't") even wait for the others to start - as soon as I was given a plate and an item, I started gobbling it up. I alone consumed around one and 3/4 plate of rice - more than double of what I normally take for lunch at home. With the rice we had dal and a curry and ‘papad’. After the dinner, I was like 'fully satisfied'. The others too were really happy at having this proper dinner after two days. And I was also happy at having gotten a proper single bed with double quilts. As usual, we were in our beds by 8:30 at maximum, and I was quiet comfortable. I slept more soundly that night than the previous two in sleeping bags. Others did too - in fact, for them the previous two nights in sleeping bags have been much worse than me. So I guess this night at Phalut was really welcome for everyone.

Day 7:

Again we missed the sunrise today. We had forgotten to set our alarm. We were using Noirita's cell for alarm - and the last night Saikat had once mentioned about setting the alarm. But we had forgotten about it thereafter. We woke up at about 6:30 - way beyond the sunrise time. We had ordered tea. We found that we would have to pay for the food of our porters today - they came to us asked about breakfast. We decided to give them a share from our own reserve - since we ourselves were not taking food to save up money - one bowl of porridge here would have costed Rs 30. With the tea, we had our breakfast with the biscuits, nuts and 'chhatoo'. However, I didn’t eat the ‘chhatoo’, instead - I ate one boiled egg from our reserve, and everyone else was shunning the boiled egg. We were finally fully ready after 8am. We paid the bill of our lodging and fooding at Phalut hut - which amounted to a mammoth Rs 1010, and started off for our next day's trek.

The trek started with a wide trail amongst trees and high shrubs, with a mild downward slope. At the start, there was occasional ice layering on the sides of the trail. It was a graceful easy descend to start with. But then as we started taking short-cuts, the descent became a little steeper and with larger dirt-filled steps. It was easy to slip amongst these steep sudden falls due to the loose dirt present. Once again, these were proving a bit harder for Nandini and Noirita and they kept felling back. Our two porters again helped a lot by providing them support and lead in these descents. I once lost control on one of these loose dirt slopes, and fell. But here any kind of fall was not at all dangerous since both sides had dense vegetation and there was no steep falling side.

Our destination was Rammam. At about 12, we reached the village of Gorkey, where we halted and ate some food. We took six bowls of soup noodles - including two for the porters. A girl about 16-17 years of age was attending and serving to us. She made some attempts to start up a conversation with me, as I went in for the orders and enquiries about preparation progress. Of course, I provide for no easy or fluent conversational mate to new persons, but she was successful in starting on a slow chat with me. I learnt that she reads in an English-medium school at Rammam, where she commutes from Rammam by foot (of course - no other mode except horses were available) everyday, and that she takes about one hour to cover the distance. And she knows English more than Hindi. She was using English phrases more than Hindi while talking with me. I was trying to use English too, but Hindi was escaping more naturally, since my system had become adjusted to speak Hindi in similar environments. A bit later, all of us were sitting in her large kitchen and eating the noodles. Now we also learnt that she has an elder sister, who now resides in Germany. At my query of what this sister is doing there, she shied away a little while replying that her sister is married in Germany, to foreigners who had come down from there.

Anyways, after our long halt at Gorkey, where we gave away more than an hour, we again started off for Rammam at about 1pm. On the way we passed through the beautiful agricultural village of Samadin. This village had a lot of fields and the entire get-up was looking beautiful from distance. But we could take no good snaps, since it had already become quiet cloudy and foggy well before 12.

Continuing from Samadin through same kind of short-cuts as we had treaded on our way to Gorkey, we finally reached Rammam at about 4pm. At Rammam, we saw the school the girl at Gorkey was talking about. Our porters took us up to a lodge there. In the lodge, we first asked for two double bedded rooms, but then after seeing the beds, we opted to take just one. But again after some time, we shifted to a room with three beds, arranged side-by-side. We got these for Rs 100 each. Saikat was feeling quiet unwell now. He took medicines, and rested. Here, I was feeling quiet hungry and ate up all the rest three boiled eggs left from our reserve from Uttarey. Also, for dinner, here we could have rice or chappati - whatever we wished. Noirita opted for rice meal, and the rest of us for chappati. We had dal and a little amount of potato curry for dishes. I ate up a hefty and full 12 pieces of chappaties that day. And I slept quiet peacefully that night. And anyways, it was more comfortable for all of us, coming down from colder atmosphere from above. The porters had told us that we could get buses from Rimbik at 12 on the following day, and to catch those, we must start by7am in the morning. So we went to sleep targeting 7am as the trek starting time for the next day, and setting our alarms accordingly.

Day 8:

The sleep was good, at least for me. We woke up in about 10 minutes after the alarm went off. For breakfast, bread was not available here, and we had planned on chappati and sabji. But in the morning, all of the rest of us except me chose to discard chappaties. They ate from our stored rations. Though we had woken up soon after our alarm had gone off, we could finally start on our trek only at 8am instead of the 7am as we had talked of in the previous day. The trek started with an initial small distance resembling the paths we had treaded yesterday, but then it became a plain flat and easy road. It was, in fact, the very same motorable road we had treaded on our last year's trek from Sirikhola to Rimbik. It was an easy journey (and kind of boring for me). The path was such that after the first 10-15 minutes it could no longer be called trekking by any stretch of imagination. Trodding on along this path, we met quiet a few vehicles passing us, coming from both directions.

We finally reached Rimbik at 12:30pm. And how stupid did we feel when we learnt that we had just missed all the share vehicles which leaves by 12:15!! We had no way to go to Darjeeling (or Siliguri) on that day any more, except by reserving some vehicle, but that too only if we could find any vehicle willing to do that. Anyways, after a bit of scouting and asking around, we landed on a vehicle for Darjeeling (there was no commute for Siliguri from here, as we learnt) for which we had to dish our Rs1500 as the reservation charges. No amount of bargaining by us would reduce the cost any further. Had not the limitation of returning by 5th in Kolkata been there, I would have considered the option of staying overnight at Rimbik on that day. But to keep that date, I could not afford to stay overnight at Rimbik (that would mean three continuous road journey tomorrow - and that would become extremely uncomfortable to all except me).

So we started off for Darjeeling on the Omni we reserved. I sat in the front, a little uncomfortable, alongwith another person the driver chose to take along. He had said that since the return journey would be at night through jungles, another person would have to be taken for security. Anyways, the road we followed went through jungles and was quiet comfortable. We had started off at around 2pm, and we reached Darjeeling sometime between 5 and 6 I suppose. (I forgot the exact time.) At Darjeeling, we chose to board at a hotel (Hotel Manokamona) where Saikat had boarded a few months back while he had visited this place alongwith his family. Instead of scouting for hotels in the evening, we opted to take up the guaranteed one, where the fares were also nothing exorbitant - two double bedded rooms at Rs650 total - one of them having a geyser.

The car could not go up all the way to the hotel entrance. Cars are not allowed all the way up. We had to walk quiet a short distance with our entire luggage before finally reaching the hotel. It was run by a Bengali Aunti - who had a son studying at Presidency College in Kolkata. After boarding and putting down our luggage, we decided to go out to have a stroll. Also, the others were interested in shopping around. Our trek trip would leave us Rs 1000 to spare from our initial budget of Rs 5000 - all expenses till Kolkata would be covered within Rs4000 per head. And even this figure was expensive, since all our road travels had happened through reserved cars.

So, in the evening we dressed up in outfits cleaner than our trekking ones, and started out. We had some snacks (momo and egg-rolls) after going up a few paces. I remember, the sky was clear that night and the full round moon was shining brilliantly. In the darker lanes without light, I kept looking up into the sky in admiration of the beauty of the full moon. By the time we were in the market area, the roadside stalls were shutting down. It was past 7:30. Only the larger shops were still open, but they too were on the verge of shutting down. A few items were bought that day. We went in to the 'Frank Ross Cafe' - a cafe we had visited last year after our Sandakphu trek, and ordered a serving of hot-chocolate for each of us. After a bit of waiting at a table, what we finally got looked and tasted exactly like the chocolate complan mom used to serve me in glasses. The taste, flavour, colour and even the glass in which we were served were exactly the same. So for Rs 25 each, we had a glass of hot complan that evening. After our glass of complan, we returned to the hotel. Today, we had opted for chicken meal. I had opted for chappaties, while everyone else had gone for rice. The chicken was hot with chili and we - at least me - did not relish it as much as I had hoped for. Saikat even didn't eat his full share of the meat pieces. But I ate a full meal nevertheless with ten chappaties. And I slept well that night in the comfortable wide soft bed.

Day 9-10:

The following day, we woke up, I guess, at about seven. I was looking to being lethargic this day, and I had planned to sleep till late, while the others go out on shopping. I had planned to get up later, take a full bath using the geyser available in the girls' room, and then go out and meet up with the others. However, I woke up very soon after the others were awake, and was not comfortable tying to keep lying. So, I too got up, and started preparing lazily. But as it happened, before the time the others were ready enough to get out, I was quiet ready, except for taking my bath. So I decided to go out together and after an initial stroll, to get back earlier than the others while they would continue with their shopping chores. I had planned to buy only one small article - a small wooden chessboard of a particular make.

So, we all went out. Just a few steps up from our hotel, there was a sweet shop - and seeing this, we (at least me) felt a heart-warming desire to give it a try. And it did prove to be a grand thing. We were getting hot freshly cooked 'jilipis' at Re 1 each. We consumed a lot of these, and also other sweets. It was turning out such, that we then decided to curtail our lunch - and to that end, I also hurried back to the hotel to convey this decision there. After this sweet episode, we headed further up towards the Darjeeling Mall. It was between 8 and 9 and the market was still not fully into business by then. In the cool pleasant sunny weather, we started walking, going up from one side of the mall, visiting Loreto College, and returning to the mall through another road, making a half circle in our course. It was a very pleasant outing and we took quiet a few snaps. After we returned back to the mall, we all bought ourselves a 'ball' made of a bunch of rubber-bands held together - it was a toy we had found widely being used in the streets by children and boys and girls of all ages. They play a kind of 'passing' game with this, in which they manage this thing entirely by their feet and legs (just as in football), and pass it onto each other by kicks - without allowing it to drop on the road!! Anyways, after buying this, we staged quiet a show in the middle of the road by trying out this ourselves. Nandini was the one who lead this venture - she was the one who first started the playing in the middle. The others took a few seconds to shake off whatever hesitation they had in this carefree indulgence, and soon we all had joined in. The locals watched us with gleeful amusement.

After a few minutes in our new found sport, and after we had taken some satisfactorily snaps of all of us in the action of it, we decided to continue with the shopping. The market was ready by now. But as I looked into the watch, I realised that I had not much time left since I had three activities I had planned to complete - buying the chess board, shaving in a saloon, taking a full bath. So, I decided to part with the others now to follow these. I bought the chess board from the shop where I had seen it the previous night and shaved myself for Rs 10 in a saloon. Then I met them up - they were shopping nearby, took the hotel keys, and went back to the hotel.

In the hotel, I arranged my bathing items and finally put the geyser on, checked that hot water was flowing, and went in to have the shower. But just after I had washed my head and was starting to wet my body, I suddenly realised that the water was cold. I could not get hot water anyhow. So, after a bit of research with the geyser, I decided that it must be off - since I was also not being sure whether the right indicator was glowing which is supposed to indicate that the water is being warmed. I cursed the entire hotel heartily, and had to dry myself up in order to get out and seek service. I called in the boys and they said that everything was allright - the geyser just was taking time to warm up! Quiet sulkily, I sat and waited. And then before again venturing under the shower, I set aside carefully a full bucket of hot water as backup. The raw cold water would surely have made me ill - it was surely between 0-2 degree in temperature. Anyways, this time, saving as much hot water as possible, I could finish up my bath.

Since my bath had taken up a lot of time, Saikat and others did not wait for me - they themselves arranged up for the car to Siliguri. We had opted for a Maruti Omni - and we had got it at Rs700. So, after they returned, we all took up our luggage - which we had again re-arranged last night - and which were quiet increased in volume and count owing to the shoppings and souvenirs of trek. Anyways, we stalked out like beasts of burden, and walked up all the distance to Loreto College where our car was supposed to wait. But on reaching there, we found a Toyota car was waiting for us instead of the Omni. Anyways, we packed our luggage on the roof of the car (there was no space inside), and started off. I sat in the front again. It was sometime after 1pm when we had started off.

The journey was nothing remarkable, except that we felt quiet hungry and slightly regretted our decision of skipping the lunch. I, however, had taken quiet a lot of sweets in the morning, and was not feeling that badly started. Anyways, we stopped on our way to have some momos and noodles.

We reached Siliguri around 4:30pm or later, I think. We were approached by agents for bus tickets, and I went with one of them to have a look at their bus and know their rates. It looked satisfactory to me, and after letting the others know, we decided to reserve our seats on this bus. The costs were Rs 325 per seat. The free time in the middle, we spent waiting at the waiting room in the proper bus stand - that cost us s 10 per head.

Our bus started at 7:25pm I suppose. I won’t go into the details of the journey - but it was similar to the previous one. Only a bit more comfortable, at least for me, since we didn’t have to keep any luggage with us. We reached Krishnanagar early in the following morning, and there I bought one full round piece of Swarbhaja for home. We reached Kolkata at about 12pm the following day. Noirita and Saikat got down at Ultadanga - I went up to Esplaneade with Nandini. There her father had come to receive her, and after seeing them off in a taxi, I took another one to home. I had brought along with me a stick again - as a souvenir - as I did from my Sandakphu trek. However, I myself had used this one only very sparsely - Noirita had used it most of the time. I had only carried it just for the sake of carrying it, on the last parts of our trail. But I'll be keeping it.

That is the end of my trekking log. Once again, the 'Day 1' was 27th December 2006, Wednesday, and the final day (Day 10) after a night in the bus was 5th January 2007, Friday, on which I returned back home. The trek was superb - in all aspects - especially the route from Chewabhanjyang to Phalut - and in totality, it was a grand experience. The memories, the images and the feelings will remain with me always - for ever, till the very end.

Rediscovering the Present!!

2006-10-20T00:10:00.000+05:30

It is strange how life suddenly brings out new facts in front of your eyes. Facts about something happening right in front of you. But which you were not truly aware of. A new page suddenly discovered in your age-old book. Its awesome, its strange, its shaking. You stare at it, you wonder, and you watch the bits and pieces falling into places. Bits and pieces which were always there, but which did not fit, and as such, which your mind had knowingly or unknowingly pushed back in some remote corner of your consciousness.

I had been gifted such a new picture today. By providence. By sheer coincidence. And I am grateful that I have come to it. It made me feel a kind of remorse over some of my past behaviors. I had not been able to properly fathom the poignancy and value of certain things due to these missing information. But at least, I know now. And I'll make as much amends as I can.

Liberté

2006-08-26T02:39:00.000+05:30

"Liberté" - the last word uttered by the 'Spy Princess' Noor Inayat Khan before she was killed in enemy camps. A word so fascinating that people give up their lives in glorious imaginations of such a reality. An ideology powerful enough to start revolutions, to change history.

What is it that drives people to give up their lives, just with imaginations of their efforts reaping benefits towards this cause, in the process essentially giving up all hopes of their own realisation of this ideology?

We imagine ourselves to be absolutely free - free to do as our heart and instincts bids us. We move on a glorious super-reality, imagining ourselves roaming in the absolute. We crave it, we imagine it, we idealise it, yet, ironically, never reaching that state - always missing it.

What exactly do we miss? What exactly is this state of liberty that we all aspire for? Sitting in my comfortable couch in my drawing room in this supposedly 'free' state, I idealise and glorify liberty probably in much the same way our freedom fighters in our pre-independence era seems to have done - a way which probably only someone missing something can do. But weren't the freedom fighters supposed to have taken us a step forward towards this glorious state? So, by such standards, I should be dwelling in a state much nearer to what they had aspired for - meaning I should not miss this as much. But I do.

And if the society is anything to go by, I'm not alone. What is the image that seduces us? The image of a carefree young wild innocent life - someone who knows only to follow pure instincts, unadulterated by norms of social living - in this sense absolutely pure and innocent - in whom the child still reigns supreme - whom experience and knowledge have not subdued. This image, in its various forms, is dished out to us everyday in advertisements, films, stories, etc., and we tend to eat this image like famined animals.

But haven't we knowingly and consciously sacrificed that freedom? Where there is a state, there can be no freedom. A very just and true saying. The liberty we imagine means only to go back to purest (or the most impure?!) form of living - like the wild animals. A way of life which is both hailed in some ways and looked at with extreme disdain in other ways. A state men surely have tasted once - thousands of years ago - and which we have forsaken for the civilised life. The irony here, it seems, is that we leave a state by our own choice, but then start to fight for it!

Why this conflict? I don't know. But one (probably oversimplified) way of looking at it would be that most people do not really get to 'choose' this state. It seems, only a smaller number of people actually get chances to experience the pros and cons of both these states (or rather, something nearer to these states) - of total freedom and lawlessness, and of an organised structure, and something have made them choose the later. What is this 'something' is the natural question which follows. Security is the most likely answer. Of course, there are also many other factors like collective mentality, etc comes into play. I'll now dwell on that any more now.

Now, what would you choose, given a chance? The security and the guarantee of the minimum throughout the life, or the liberty to taste the absolute, even it would be for just a while? Don't bother - it's a redundant question.

My Take on FIFA World Cup 2006

2006-07-07T14:15:00.000+05:30

The greatest show on earth - the football world cup - has, for this time, left a lot to ask for. At least, it has totally disheartened me. And what really can I say about my favourite team - Brazil. Its performances were among the worst possible by such a team. The footballer of the year - Ronaldinho - didn't even get a proper shot on the ball that can make you clap, let alone getting a goal, in the whole tournament. The superstar Ronaldo himself looked like a football around his belly. (And they said that he was not overweight - he was just getting stronger!!) The more suitable role for him in this world cup would have been that of Maradona - donning a jersey of his team and cheering it among its fans, sitting with a bulky figure - quiet befitting that of a retired master of the game.

Of the four teams which I thought would be in the semi-finals, only Italy finally reached there. And that too, due to a totally nonsense penalty given by a - god knows in what state - referee, at the penultimate minute of the second half of gameplay. The striker, tripping and falling over a fallen defender, constituted the penalty!! Its not even a foul, for heaven's sake!! The defender, trying to tackle, fell down leaving the possession of the ball to the striker, and the striker then just fell over tripping on the fallen body of the defender who could not yet get up. Form what angle does this constitute a foul play? Enlighten me, someone - please!

The round of sixteen match between Portugal and Netherlands was a delight to watch, but for all the wrong reasons which can make a football match an exciting and stimulating affair!! The football ground was literally a battle field with 11 soldiers on each side - but minus the freedom of 'all is fair in love and war' - a philosophy which was definitely not to the liking of the referee. As such, there were 4 red cards and 16 yellow cards. The small round bouncy object better known as football which was supposed to be the center of all the action for the 90 minutes, more often than not looked like a secondary tool of the trade. Every five minutes, there was a fight - sometimes direct, sometimes indirect using the ball. There were simulations, abuses, hand-to-hand (even head-to-head) fights and likewise. It could have been a great match between these two evenly matched teams. In the end it did prove 'great' all right, but in a completely negative sense of the word.

At the point of my writing this, the teams of the final match have been decided. They are Italy and France. Zidane suddenly has regained some of his form. Hope the final would be a worthy match - worthy of being the final of the greatest show on earth. But by the way the world cup has been progressing, anything can happen. I'll just brace myself for the finals.

Regarding Reservations

2006-05-31T16:31:00.000+05:30

Yesterday, I can across an article in 'The Statesman' where the author (Samantak Das) expresses his opinion opposing the ongoing agitations against the increase in reservation seats. Feeling inclined to key down my thoughts regarding what he said, I write this post.

So, first I'll put up his extract from the paper:

I have recently read two illuminating texts, one a column printed in this newspaper, the other a Bangla leaflet delivered along with it. Both of them speak in impassioned prose about the need to oppose the proposed 27 per cent reservation for Other backward Classes in institutions of higher education. Both invoke the rhetoric of "us" versus "them", both oppose reservation to "merit", both raise the spectre of deprivation for "your meritorious son or daughter". One asks, passionately, if somewhat incoherently, "for how long do we have to keep lying to our children, telling them that true worth will forever attain its prize while you continue to deny half of what rightfully belongs to them", while the other prophetically warns me that "someone less worthy than you will occupy the position in your workplace that rightfully belongs to you".

Trying to match their pleas to my own experience, I'm not quite sure what these worthy gentlemen mean either by "merit" or what "rightfully belongs" to me. By merit do they mean the sheer accident of birth that led to my privileged middle-class upbringing, education in an exclusive English-medium school, exposure to books and elevating conversation practically from the egg that enabled me to gain admission to one of the most prestigious institutions of higher education in the country where I received an education practically gratis? And do they deem someone who comes from a family that belongs to the 80 per cent of out country that subsists on less than Rs 90 per day, who went to an ill-equipped sarkari school, neither of whose parents could read or write, forget about books or suchlike in their homes, less meritorious than me? Do they mean to say that college and universities that are paid for by the tax revenues generated from even humblest economic transactions (such as, for example, when a daily-wage worker buys a bundle of beedis) should be reserved exclusively for the likes of me?

Who is more meritorious, the pampered child of parents who can afford an army of tutors to coach their ward for the entrance examinations to colleges of engineering or medicine, or the child of unlettered parents who grows up in a world that spits the fact of their lowly status in their faces on a daily basis, yet who, through sheer dogged endurance manages to achieve a passing grade in high school and dreams (against all odds) of becoming a doctor or engineer one day?

It is true that whatever a person becomes at the end of his school life is indeed largely affected by his social background - by his family, by the school he read in, and other such factors which are controlled by his 'birth'. That is, the true merit can be overshadowed by the conditions of his birth, which are in turn largely correlated, even today, with his caste.

But in spite of this, notwithstanding however unjust the process undergrown maybe, would you question that as the net result, at the point of applying for higher studies, a candidate with a higher rank have somehow become more suitable, efficient and deserving than a candidates with a lower rank, in any field of study?

Then, on what criteria would you justify the selecting of less suited candidates for the next stage of education and training, over the more suited ones? Because, you say, the process in the previous stage was faulty and failed to extract and endorse the true potentials? But how exactly will this partial selection amend for the faulty process, or improve upon the already developed suitability (a result of 18-21 years) of the less deserving ones?

For any developmental process, it is common knowledge that the best suited candidates from one stage be selected for the next stage of development. For the clarity of reasoning, on dividing the entire course of training of an individual starting from basic education to becoming a trained professional, we can get two broad stages - the pre-college (school) stage and the college/professional training stage. If the pre-college stage has some faults in it which bars it from transforming the truly meritorious candidates from this stage as the best suited ones for the next stage, then should one rather not focus on rectifying this process?

Lastly, exactly what percentage of the misfortuned people do you exactly cater for 'upliftment', when you make reservations in apex institutions like IITs and AIIMS? What percentage of these people, born of illiterate parents, living below the poverty line, does actually cross the 10+2 board exams, or even the 10th standard board exams? I think 20% would be a gross overestimation. Does this not make the reservations in these institutes look like half-hearted evasive measures? What is really needed to bring up these people? Why not do something that would really cater to these people - something definitely at the more ground level?

(P.S.: The figure 20% in the last paragraph is completely a guesswork.)

What a little bit of undeserving praise can do!!

2006-05-22T21:28:00.000+05:30

Today, I'll share a very valuable experience of what a little bit of flattery and undeserving praise, accompanied with a push to perform in the same field, can do to a person. The effects of what in Bengali colloquial terms we call 'bar khaoa'!!

The other day I was chatting with a friend on the net. Now, it so happened, that this very person had in some other time made some positive remarks about my blog writings. Anyways, in the course of chatting, I was prompted by this person to write up a kind of sarcastic narrative consisting of two lovers walking with balloons in their hands. (!!!) Now, my logic and rationale told me that even if I can probably produce decent documentary articles which would pass the language exams comfortably, I had never been any good in creating imaginative stories. (Not that I haven't tried!) But the mind is very vulnerable and weak against feelings of being praised (sometime 'seeing' praise even when there is none!) and in thoughts of doing something great where you never have accomplished.

So - out of simple 'bar khaoa' (lacking of proper English substitute, I'm resorting to this Bengali term) - both from myself and from the other person, I set myself upon this daunting task of conjuring up such a piece. Without further ado, I'll just paste below what resulted, and leave to the readers to conclude how devastating effects of undeserving praises, can be and how silly can it make one appear!!

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The sun was setting along the Princep-Ghat of Kolkata, but it was just rising in the lives of two young man and woman walking along the path alongside the river. In their late twenties, they were just blossoming into the realm of sweet romance like fresh rose buds. (Red rose, for the more inquisitive!) What a sight did they make - the two walking side by side, with a red heart-shaped balloon in their hands - only those who beheld would understand. The ardent Romeo, dressed in red shiny pants and white high-collared shirts with two thin red stripes running down the chest, bore in his lips what he was sure to be a thousand watt smile. Our dear Juliet was dressed in a fluorescent pink saree and blood-red blouse, looked as intriguing and daring.

Each bore in his and her hand a big red heart-shaped balloon flying high and proudly soaring up into the sky, symbolising their new-found eternal love, rooted firmly in their hands, yet soaring up to great heights. On their way, a small child of about 4 years, by some mischievous plot of fate, had by chance taken a liking to those large balloons and even had the ill-bred audacity to ask for those. But of course, not to be swayed by such negative diversions, our beguiling pair had moved on even without sparing a glance for the ill-bred nuisance. Each had bought the other the balloon they carried, and had written the name of the loved one on the balloon before handing it over. But they had made a little mistake - I'm sure in the height of passion - such that ultimately each bore in his/her hand the balloon given by the other person which resulted in each carrying the balloon of his/her own name. But such small inconsequential follies are surely to be overlooked in the height and display of such passionate moments.

Such was the understanding among the two, that no one ever heard a single word being uttered. They kept walking, looking up to their balloons in a dazed way, (their necks must have ached, I'm sure, but they had the pleasure of absorbing this small pain for the sake of their love), and in intervals of about 30 seconds, they would look down to each other, smile to each other, and flutter their eyelashes at the exact same time with a synchronisation that would baffle the physicists and which - my reader - is only possible from the love they shared for each other.
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Phew!! That was it!! The first few sentences might be passable (or at least I flatter myself by thinking so), but the later portions.... well, who cares!!

I'm Orkutting these days.....

2006-05-09T01:40:00.000+05:30

It has been some day since I last wrote, and now I write just for the sake of putting some stuff over my last post, which reads miserable now (honestly). Hope this does not end up like that.

The first thing I must put down today is that I came across this message in Orkut informing me of the founder of orkut.com, and how each action (scrapping, adding friend, viewing profile) etc that we do in Orkut gives him more $$!! Anyways, this guy is Orkut Buyukkokten from Stanford University. He created this social networking site - which probably later came to be endorsed by google. (I use 'probably' since I'm not sure how and where google came into the scene.) I'm already his fan (not literally in orkut though - you must be a friend to be a 'fan' there) and he is an icon for me. The link to his profile: http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=325082930226142255 (Of course - you must be signed in to orkut to view.)

Just out of interest, I made some searches on communities - and found a community of 'Gone With The Wind' there. Made a few posts about favourite scene and character. Also became a member of a "William Somerset Maugham" community. And two other communities too. Orkut has definitely caught me - for the time being at least.

All these using the time I should have been working on my office works. And all these too when my internet bandwidth should be wasted no more - judging from my last month's bill. But I'll never learn when it comes to myself, will I?

Renewed Propagation of Racism?

2006-04-16T12:09:00.000+05:30

I never believed it when my parents/grand-parents used to say that the whole world is going astray with the new ways and all that. I refuted their sayings with indignation. But the present elite democratic representatives in the parliament are making alarming progress towards shaking up this faith.

I'm talking about the 49.5% reservation quota for "backward" classes. How much more ridiculous can that get? You want to give your "backward" classes 50% reservation? I have a better idea - why don't just feed them free for the rest of their lives with, say, 10 lakhs per annum? Or is that too low - you say some "upper-caste"s are earning more? Ok what is holding you from raising the figure then? After all - the others are there to pay it off from their taxes, right? Surely, if they don't pay off for the atrocities done by their forefathers, who will?

Ok, on more rational terms, if you are really bent upon providing some infrastructure to pull up or motivate these groups, give them some extra facilities at the ground level - the primary and secondary levels maybe. How can you attribute a person's not making to graduate and PG courses, after 12 years of schooling in same institutions, to his "class" being a backward one!! If they cant make it, they simply don't deserve it. His efforts during the schooling, and his abilities decide how he performs among others, and his rank amongst others is what he deserves.

And honestly, how this move will help neutralising the racial barriers, is a total mystery to me. In fact, what it has surely spurned off, and which will only increase if this bill comes to pass, is a new segregation mentality among students (and others too) - between the ones who get through using reservations and the ones who wrestle it out fairly (yes, I use the term 'fairly' since I believe the other is definitely unjust). The latter group will look down upon the former - and quiet rightly so - because it will remain as a glaring fact that the non-reservation candidates are intellectually superior and better performers than the ones using quotas. What will follow next is that institutions and companies will start to scan candidates to identify who might be a "reservation" class candidate and who not - thereby advocating a new era of racism in this century. (Or would the government then move to enforce that all companies too have a reservation in their employee system? I would love to see that day though!) It follows that, for their own benefits, candidates should not opt to use quotas even if they can, and get themselves placed where they rightly deserve by merit.

If something must be done for the "backward" classes, one better option would be providing them who gets through with merit, a 100% sponsorship from the government. That would be a motivator and would not undermine standards either. In fact, the most prominent discrimination now in India after 60 years of independence is the one arising out of financial status, and not out of discriminations practised 100 years ago.

I never used to pay any attention to the last name of people, like the way perhaps my previous generation do. However, I always asked them out - since they were part of their names - and only the first name I considered to be an incomplete information about the person's identity. The last name was nothing more than a part of the name. But if this bill comes to pass, I know I'll become conscious of the last name denoting the class - and I'll be trying to figure if that is a "quota" class - effectively myself judging whether the person is 'good-enough' or below standards. I hope this situation doesn't come to pass.

Extracts from my paper diary.

2006-04-15T14:32:00.000+05:30

Extracts from my paper diary:

"I take up the pen again. The keyboard is inadequate. The blog entries, as I'm finding out progressively, are becoming more and more synthetic than natural. Consequently, they are becoming less and less satisfying for me to write. I guess, given the time and perspective of my growing up, I'll never be able to replace the dear old pen and paper with anything else. I do write a lot using the keyboard and read a lot from the screen, but its never as gratifying as when I do that using good old paper. I'm getting into the electronic age, taking up a hardcore profession in IT, is passionate about the latest hardwares, but somehow and somewhere, all these still have failed to make absolute inroards into me. I'm still much more peaceful with the pen and paper, and always will be, these things having got deep rooted into my veins right from the age of the onset of my senses into the wonderful and infinite realm of words.

The only reason why new things get opposed by the comparatively older generation is because they cannot adapt themselves to the new standards and ways of living, the flexibility of their mind having gotten eroded with age. They just don't feel comfortable with these new ways, and hence oppose these. Not out of any moral standards or value system."

A Word About Relationships

2006-04-03T03:50:00.000+05:30

Many times I have come across the forms asking me to fill in my thoughts about various relationships like love, friendship, etc, or like 'what you have learnt from past relations' and so on. The truth be told, it is a big question, and any attempt to express or define such things in a few words is impractical. Nevertheless, certain recent incidents have sent my mind spinning on this very topic, and hence I'll attempt to scribe some of my present thoughts on some aspects of this matter.

What makes relationships last? A question of endless debate, which in my opinion, can never be generally answered, since no two persons on this earth can be exactly alike - meaning every relationship is unique in its own perspective. Instead, I'm presently thinking of some characteristics common to the lasting relationships.

An interesting feature is the balance between intimacy and distance. Relationships which don't maintain a minimum distance tend not to last long. A distance born not out of difference in opinions or indifference, but out of respect of the individuality of the person, out of acceptance that the person is a separate being in totality. The art of maintaining a relationship, the magic characteristic of a lasting relationship, is that perfect mixture of the individual space - a minimum distance, coupled with a closeness enough to feel united.

The deepest and most lasting friendships are marked not by the closest indulgences, the time spent together measured in hours, the number and depth of secrets shared, extreme possessiveness, and so on, but are characterised with a feeling of freedom, a feeling of peace, a feeling of 'we' even without being too aware of it, the measure of time spent in terms of activities done together and most importantly, without any binding expectations or duties.

Without any bindings or duties? Doesn't friendship (and relationships) by definition mean some minimum expectations or duties? Apparently, but not really. For a true friend, you never feel 'bonded' to go or do anything - you just feel like doing it entirely on your own accord - it comes naturally - more out of your own 'need' than out of the feeling that you 'should'. And the same also holds true for any other intimate relationship which has deep foundations.

At the risk of contradicting my own earlier phrase "The art of maintaining a relationship" which might indicate that relationship is something you consciously create out of your own accord and maintain with your rationale, I'll here say that the truest and deepest relationships you can never consciously create. Its something that happens to you. It happens out of your own real character and attitude, as a reaction which you cant control. You can polish and disguise your character and personality, but your true self always will respond when it meets a match or its like.

"The true friends are the ones with whom you can sit by the porch for an hour saying nothing and then walk away feeling as if it was the best conversation you have ever had".

Lastly before I finish, I'll once again state my oft-repeated saying - that there is always a level of understanding beyond your present one. Some day, I might be writing entirely opposite views on this very matter. In fact, I do hope I do, since then I'll again be reassured that I still have not lost the capacity for learning!...

The Enigmas of Life: Once Again

2006-04-02T00:45:00.000+05:30

A strange concoction. That is life. At least now, for me. Sometimes, engulfed in a swirling maze, you drift along. Knowing not why things are the way they are or why things be the way they be. One time you are so sure about something, the very next moment, a small incident changes everything and puts things in an entirely new perspective. How good is any state if such a very small thing can bring so radical a change? (Or do we attach too much weight on that 'revealing' small incident - which maybe is not that revealing after all?)

Things get happening around you. Things on which you have no control. Apparently no control - because, suddenly or maybe always at some corner of your mind, you realise that you do have complete control, but you know not why you don't feel the urge for it. What if, at this juncture, you are again faced with the odd question of why would one think of changing the flow at all?

You flow away, drifting, just going where it takes you. Sometimes, you have no real idea why you do certain things, except that its done that way, a justification which is obviously ridiculous to even a child of 6 years of age, but which seems good enough for you(!!). Worse, sometimes you just go on doing certain things, just because the thing gets done that way engulfing you, even when you feel in some distant corner of your alive mind that there is no logic in that, and that it should have been avoided in all rationale.

Shakespeare presented Hamlet with the dilemma 'to be or not to be'. That might sometimes seem simpler than when you know the answer to that question, but you keep wondering why you aren't following on that answer with acts.

You face life. You deal, you fight, you strive, you survive. But why?

Confusing, ain't it? You bet! Am I confused? Maybe, maybe not. Probably just that I'm going through a bad patch. That's all. (he..he..!)

And maybe I'll delete this post after some days, when, reading it through in some more stable and normal mood, I will find it ridiculous. Until then....

A Need for Healing?

2006-02-11T04:32:00.000+05:30

A few days back while paying a visit to the Kolkata Book Fair, I stumbled upon an interesting statistics. Visiting just the first 5-6 stalls made me take particular notice of the fact that a certain genre of books are flooding the stalls, a genre which has been more inconspicuous in the yesteryears. In fact, it has been making inroads for the past few years, but now suddenly it seems to have gained some real momentum. I'm talking about the genre of books aiming to bring the readers to "real" "happiness"/"satisfaction" in their lives. The books on "true happiness", to become "successful", to become universally appreciated, to find the "truth" of life, and so on.

So, all that naturally lead to the most obvious question - are people really that much unhappy about their present states? Is that possible or at all imaginable? I mean, if those books are so much on display, they must be selling. If the void these books aim to fill really exists, then the world must indeed be a very sordid place to live in - with people being totally unhappy, being frustrated about their career, and not having a clue as to what is happening around and why - including their own roles!! Now, that's a disconcerting thought!!

Otherwise, the authors (and/or publishers) must be imagining all these! Or trying to sell this idea. Now, how pitiful can that be - a 'sadist' author trying to sell you his solution to a path of eternal happiness? Beats me!! Tickles me too!!

And now that I have touched upon this subject - its not limited to books at book-fair - its making round everywhere. For example those mail forwards I'm sure everyone receives (outnumbered only by spams) which are always telling you how to be happy and all that! Ok, agreed that they felt pretty nice when I first started receiving them ... but receiving mails on how be happy, how to make friends, what is, and what is not, for 3-4 years constantly (and also repeatedly - many repeats), kind of beats the happiness out of me. And I find things getting quiet original in their perspectives. For instance, I have seen the notion of friendship getting reduced to all sorts of things in those "value of friend" mails - crutches to lean upon, tissue papers (no - they didn't say it was to clean your a** - it was for wiping your tears, but I guess the former was implied as well... after all, your friends often clean up your mess, don't they?) and so on.

Anyways, these books/emails, etc cater to a very small fraction of the population of my own country at least. So we are still hale and hearty I suppose. I will assume that safely. Anyways, sorrowful or not - the world is always interesting and funny place to live in. Besides, these satisfactions and lessons these books proclaim to offer, are actually everywhere, all around us - ours for the taking whenever we want it! So why bother!

The Experience of "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire"

2005-12-25T02:51:00.000+05:30

The digital age, with all the latest innovations and advances in audio and video technologies, is now capable of delivering us a breathtaking movie experience right within the comfort of our comfy couch in the drawing room. So how would you feel when you go paying for the ticket to a movie hall, to experience in large the audiovisual extravaganza of the latest Harry Potter movie, but then only to discover in alarm that the picture in the screen is clearly lacking in proper illumination(!!) - it has got too much noise in it - the audio is so full of noise that at some places you completely miss what is being said and then lastly, you desperately start scanning the hall ticket looking for that "Dolby Digital" or "DTS" sign...!!

Under such circumstances, even the most prudent and careful ones risk an element of bias while forming the opinion about the movie, and yours truly (the individual in the situation being none other) is but a common movie-goer lacking in all the finer aspects of movie appreciation, with which the critics are fortuned. Consequently, every care will be taken to keep the opinion of the movie as neutral as possible.

First of all, the cast is more star-studded this time. Also the prime roles (the young actors) have grown up, both in age and acting, keeping pace with the book characters. The performances of the other characters seem very much like that of the previous ones. In terms of adhering to the original plot of the book, this movie definitely ranks before all its predecessors. Curtailing details are a must when the book has to be shown within three hours, but the choices seem to have captured perfectly the all the important aspects of the book. This is unlike previous releases, when some of the important events have invariably been blundered each time.

The tricky part, of course, is commenting on the audio and video special effects. In spite of the detestable hall conditions, using a bit of imagination and a bit of rationale, the video effects can be considered at least as good as, if not sometimes even better, compared to the previous Potter releases. There are certain breathtaking scenes during the 'TriWizard Tournament' - in which Harry is a participant. The audio experience was simply bad but that can probably be safely attributed to the hall. It is highly unlikely, and also unheard of, that an excellent video treat has not been accompanied with matching audio treatment.

So in total, this movie scores above the previous Harry Potter releases, and if someone had enjoyed those, he/she will definitely enjoy this one. The only checklist - of course - be careful while choosing the hall!!

Exams Over - But Still Wrapped Up!!

2005-12-25T02:30:00.001+05:30

Exams are over. Time should have been ample, but they are not. Have got to do a still lot more stuff than I had to manage during the exams. I'm leaving for Sandakphu trekking on 27th. That gives me just three days in the immediate present. Three days to manage a lot. Well, one of those days is over and I have managed some. In the next two days, I have to do the planning for the journey, do shopping, pack up my stuff, visit the tourism department office for information (the nature and orientation of the journey being completely new), complete a due office work and also spend some time with friends. Hope I haven't missed anything there. Today I did some shopping and visited a friend's place. Err... where is my time for resting? My last exam was yesterday.... and even yesterday, I had some work to do after the exams. I miss the loong one full day's sleep I normally indulge myself with, after exams and sorts.

Its been a tight schedule for me right from the start of December. Practical exams started then, and unlike the other times, this time I did not beforehand know my practical stuff. They were also such, that unless I knew the theory, I would not be able do the practicals, and so I had to study. Then, of course, the theory exams started and I had to study strenuously - having never studied the whole semester round. And this time the subjects were not easily done, or known - except only two (or maybe three) papers out of six in which I had previous introduction. And now after exams are over, it seems I have got a tighter schedule. The trek tour would last till maximum 7th Jan, after which I am attending a course on 'Soft Computing' at Center for Soft Computing Research at ISI Kolkata from 10-15th January. So, as soon as I come back, I have to start studying full-time on this topic - I expect the level of discussion up there to be of proper standards (the list of participants includes all the good institutions like IITs, NITs, etc - with both faculties and students). So, I guess, if I want to understand anything of what will pass, I'll have to do proper homeworks. And after 15th January, I again have to get indulged in my college Tech Fest activities, and along with that, I also have a office work already scheduled. Again, tightly wrapped!! And yeah - the words are out there that the campussing will start from February this time. And I'm totally unprepared - my technical status is at one of its minimum - haven't studied seriously anything since I got in MCA - just have done only enough to dodge the exams. Now if campussing really starts in February, that would be the cream of the lot!!

If that does happen, chances are really sour that I'll see through the technical round (leave alone the HR round - wont even reach that, I suppose) - and I wonder how I would be then, considering the air with which I have been walking around all these time, completely denouncing the current standards being followed in college and everywhere, not at all taking seriously the exams and marks, saying that marks mean nothing - the real stuff is inside you and the companies test that only, as if I have all the real standards and I know all the real things, and very few people were my equal (sic!). Funny - I feel queer even imagining that. Now, even with all my liberal mindset, that is an experience I surely do not want to taste - I'm positive about that.

Will I be really relaxed and free in February even? Probably not, because already I'm hearing talks about new office works, and I have stated that I wont be able to take them up before February. So, I'll have to improvise, I guess, as usual.

Well, before this becomes much too longer, I'll end this here. I'm writing after a long time though.

Scribbles: 29th November, 2005

2005-11-29T03:00:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I just feel to write. For no reasons whatsoever. Like now. I'm writing just because I suddenly felt to start typing some words. And exactly so I'm doing now, it seems. Literally typing just words - they make no sense, convey no message, or have any purpose. Useless, are they? Maybe.... maybe not. Doesn’t matter to me, at least not now. In fact, they are serving their purpose very well - letting me do what I wanted to do. In the process, probably providing my some satisfaction - though of what kind, or why, I know not. So I guess, they are not so much without purpose, are they?

Does everything have a purpose in this world? Does everything have to have a purpose? Yeeahh... I'm harping back on the abstract again. Anyways, I don’t know the answers - of course. I guess, nobody will ever know. Besides, you only rotate in a circle if you ever try to get answers to such questions, don’t you? Well, I do. So, I'll leave it at that. For now at least.

Exams ahead. And as usual, I've got LOADS to study. Everything left till the last moments. Now, if I don’t do those even at this last moment, well... I won’t be able get away, would I? I don’t think so. And there seems to be some pretty heavy stuff this semester. Or else I'm getting stupid. Either way, I have to put in more efforts now. So adieu, notepad. See you soon enough though!! ;)

Scribbles: 25th November, 2005

2005-11-25T02:24:00.000+05:30

Sometimes in life we are never sure. Its a paradox. If you do, you will probably wish that you hadn't done it, but if you don't, you will again wonder later that perhaps you should have done it. And there is no solution - in no way can you evaluate the two alternatives.

Isn't it inevitable that if you do your best to decide in such a situation, you will eventually only make it worse? Will not your thinking more and more about the 'what if's ultimately haunt you proportionally about the 'other' alternative, after you have chosen one alternative? And yes - if you have the third alternative of not choosing any of the courses of action, it will give you a boolean outcome - either you will be totally happy about this, or you will be totally repentant that you didn't go for either choices. I wish someone could provide me direct solutions to these problems.

But let me pause a minute here... didn't I myself have perfect answers to these questions 4-5 or more years back? I surely did. What were those answers? Why cant I remember them now? I had pretty substantial answers to such matters, and they somehow did held ground, and people (the "wise" ones too: pun intended) did agree to those. So, in spite to all these, what has happened to them? How come they are no longer? How come such solid theories get shaken off, in spite of statistical findings having supported them all the times...? What am I learning or unlearning? And why?

About Anne Frank's Diary

2005-10-13T15:50:00.000+05:30

A few days ago, I once again got my hands on the book - Anne Frank's Diary. Having forgotten the exact words of a quote which had touched me very deeply, I had been desiring to obtain this book for quiet some time. At last, I got it from a friend who had come down from Hyderabad, and I could have it for only one night. Though I was thoroughly tired that day, I spent quiet some time that night reading extracts from various parts of that book.

I count this book as one of the best I have ever read considering that it was written by girl about 14 years old! The utter simplicity and the simple yet obvious rationale of many observations she makes, which seemingly are missed by many adults (both now and then), is amusing, surprising and satirical. There is an excellent sense of satirical humour throughout. Also, at many places, she makes some simple statements which actually goes very deep into some of the very rare truths, and which digs out some deep human psychology. Also, she has absolute honesty in her writings and an educated acceptance of her true self, which are very rare and appreciable qualities, and which draws respect from me, myself knowing how hard both of these are from my own experiences, and also how rare.

I wonder about the writings she would have produced had she grown up and lived. I'm sure they would have contributed to the literary world - I kind of miss them.

Patchwork For Last Post

2005-10-10T10:53:00.000+05:30

Disclaimer: This attempt to write is for no reasons at all, except to put some better and (hopefully) more coherent materials at the top of my blog, rather than the last posting which now reads like a badly written disconnected meaningless text. I guess I'm loosing my writing skills day by day. My spoken skills being below the adequate mark, I took console over my written skills, but will those too be gone now?? Hope not. I Hope its just a temporary affair:

"I pray to god that it wont be long..." (courtesy: Madonna).

Ok, so I have been listening to lot of Madonna songs lately, and have been influenced by some of her lyrics. But at least, she has got some lyrics. Most of the others these days just shout out rubbish at the top of their voices. They sound like frustrated bunch of guys bitten by dogs yelling back at the (poor) dogs. I wonder how they would sound without the special audio effects, enhancements and instrumentals!

That's enough of text to serve my current purpose - patching my blog. Lets hope this text reads ok after maybe a day when I come back and go through this!!

Scribbles: 6th October, 2005

2005-10-06T21:21:00.000+05:30

"Candle in the Wind". Princess Diana. Elton John thought so. He expressed it beautifully in his song "Candle in the Wind". He called princess Diana, England's Rose, a Candle in the Wind. She lived her life like one.

Everyone, at some point I guess, gets touched by a flame or finds the beauty and scent of a rose.

The flame is beautiful. It gives you warmth and lights the life around it. But its selfish - it devours whatever tries to touch it. All it leaves are the charred remains of your former self. And it consumes mercilessly the very same fuel which keeps it burning.

The rose is also beautiful. It has a lovely scent. Its beautiful to look at. But its best left alone - whoever would try to pluck it is welcomed with thorns. You bleed.

You are so consumed with how much you get (courtesy: Madonna).

All the world is a stage where every man must play a part. And what is mine - I'm still trying to find out. (Apologies if I didn't get the words correct in that quotation.)

Of Mind and Reality: Part 2

2005-10-04T01:34:00.000+05:30

Firstly, as I stand today, before venturing into any further speculative theories of any kind, I must apologise for the most parts of my previous post, especially the latter parts where I tried to logic out how everything is pre-determined. Reading over that piece of article today again (and also having done so many times after the day when I actually posted that), after having chanced upon some authoritative texts on this area in the meantime, I clearly see the utter superficiality of most of what I have written. It appears like some adamant schoolboy trying to get his word about everything. As I write this today, I am aware that this attempt today to continue that topic might again end up as another such text, but I'll try to be as prudent, careful and short as possible. The topic being of such an abstract and complex nature, which have been mystifying the elite minds through the ages, I humbly realise and acknowledge that whatever I write is likely to be a very naive and amateurish stuff again. Nevertheless, I shall write, primarily in attempt to conclude this since I had ended the original post with an anticipation of a sequel. And also since I feel to write a bit today.

In my last extract on this topic, I stated two main theories. First was about human nature - that often what a man says does not express his true feelings and of which true feelings he might not himself be aware of. Second was a theory on destiny, astrology and the similar, where I mentioned that all things 'happening' or all that we see existing are results of precise reactions between different 'forms' (of matter and energy) and hence everything is predictable - consequently, there is nothing as free-will or freedom or choices as such in the absolute sense.

Also, I'll repeat what I stated at the foremost in the last post before venturing into any speculations - and this is of utmost importance - that I believe only what I see, and what I can reason with logic. Anything beyond that, I neither believe, nor disbelieve. It may, or may not be, but unless its proved with reason, mathematics and logic, unless its deciphered and predictable, I wont make my decisions based on those.

Let me now review some stuff, actually the loopholes, from the reasoning in my previous post about how all things are pre-determined. I stated that everything is made up of particles. How do we know that its true - the only thing we know is that all we have come up so far are particles. While writing that, from what I was thinking then, I should have written that all our science have come up so far are these particles. But there is probably nothing to suggest anything further. And what are these "particles" anyways, if some kind of them do form the smallest units? Besides, now I state that its not the particles either which make up things. Further researches have brought forward the likes of "string" and "superstring" theories, which state that it's not particles, but strings, which make up everything. Again, what are these "strings" and what are they made of?

And directly challenging the 'pre-determined' theory, I ask, what is there to prove that everything is not just random? We don't have any concrete evidence against that either. So, everything might very well be absolute random stuff. Everything happening might be actually totally random and accidental, getting determined just at the moment of happening. That is, everything is actually absolute free-will, and at every instant things to happen get determined then and there.

Well, I'll end this discussion with that. Currently, I am reading Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" and it's an excellent stimulating book. It is taking time to read. Also, I have chanced up some good psychology atricles (www.guidetopsychology.com). All these are probably amalgamating possible new stuff in my existing theories (which I confess, are themselves rather in a mess). So, presently, I conclude this topic and post.

Quotations I loved: Part 1

2005-08-17T22:59:00.000+05:30

I love quotations. Here I'll post some of the quotations I liked most. I obtained these from various sites at various times.

FREEDOM:

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
-Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery.
-Lawana Blackwell

She gave me more than just a sweater vest that night. She gave me all this. Nothing. She gave me nothing. That's what I need. No phone book, no Game Boy, no pasta maker, TV Guide. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.
-Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider

While the State exists, there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State.
-Lenin

The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves.
-William Hazlitt

GENIUS:

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
-Edgard Varese

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
-Elbert Hubbard

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-Oscar Levant

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
-Oscar Wilde

He was a genius - that is to say, a man who does superlatively and without obvious effort something that most people cannot do by the uttermost exertion of their abilities.
-Robertson Davies

Men of genius do not excel in any profession because they labor in it, but they labor in it because they excel.
-William Hazlitt

HATE:

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
-Andre Gide

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
-Hermann Hesse

Let them hate, so long as they fear.
-Lucius Accius

Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
-Richard M. Nixon

LIFE:

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.
-Barbara Hall

The purpose of life is to fight maturity.
-Dick Werthimer

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-John Lennon

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
-Sir Winston Churchill

"Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread. Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique."
-Anon.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-E. M. Forster

"Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."
-W. M. Lewis

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light!
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

LOVE:

Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.
-Anton Chekhov

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-Iris Murdoch

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.
-Jane Austen

True love brings up everything - you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily.
-Jennifer Aniston

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-John Barrymore

How we treasure (and admire) the people who acknowledge us!
-Julie Morgenstern

Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.
-M. Scott Peck

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
-Madonna

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
-Rabbi Julius Gordon

I don’t think anyone can DO anything that would make him worthy of love. Love is a gift and cannot be earned. It can only be given.
-Real Live Preacher

You can't love anyone until you understand that you can't love everyone.
-Real Live Preacher

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all.
-Toni Morrison

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
-Victor Hugo

A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account.
-W. Somerset Maugham

The important thing was to love rather than to be loved.
-W. Somerset Maugham

There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.
-W. Somerset Maugham

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
-Anon.

"We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together."
-La Bruyere

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."
-Leo Buscaglia

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."
-Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."
-Henry Drummond

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so."
-David Grayson

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
-Victor Hugo

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao-Tzu

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
-Mother Theresa

"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not."
-La Rochefoucauld

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
-Erich Segal

(to be continiued........)

Of Mind and Reality: Part 1

2005-08-11T03:44:00.000+05:30

Its been a long time. But today I feel to write. And so shall I.

My mind is presently once again entangled into the realms of the everlasting topic of free-will, destiny and choices. I had just decided to have a look at the Conversations With God site, from where I was rolled to the CWG forums, where I chanced into this topic, and the inevitable happened - I got entangled.

I went through some posts - where various people have posted their thoughts. From a wide age group. Interesting things - a man in 50s pondering on this, along with people just into their youths, all moved by the CWG books, same questions, ..... They were talking about Karma, astrology, will, destiny and even afterlife.

Do we make choices? Do we know what we want? Do we have free-will at all?

Before I state anything else, let me specify that I believe only what I see, and what I can reason with logic. Anything beyond that, I neither believe, nor disbelieve. It may, or may not be, but unless its proved with reason, mathematics and logic, unless its deciphered and predictable, I wont make my decisions based on those.

Well, I think I am trapped or enjoying one of the most interesting positions anyone can have on speculating on this matter. On one hand, I'm totally a science believer - studying computer science subjects with topics like Artificial Intelligence which aims not only to decipher the mind, but also to re-create it, while on the other hand, I've always ardently followed books about metaphysical concepts and theories, self-inspection books, 'moral reasoning' books and the likes. I absolutely love the feeling of philosophy where you revel in the realms of unknown (where I have lately come to think that it might be very well the desire of having unknown that leads to such speculations - i.e., you enjoy the 'creating' of more questions and an imaginary world where you can refuge, your present tense not being intellectually satisfying enough for you). I love the imagination of a unexplained 'other' world, the mysteries of the mind from the literary point of view, I revel in plunging into the abysmal depths of complexity of human emotions from the poet's viewpoint, and other similar things. But again, whenever I hear an opinion, I always get intrigued with one other odd question - I find myself asking why the person who is expressing something, feeling the way he does, and expressing the way he is doing. That is, what situation(s) made his brain to act like that? This puts me in a strange position where I'm not only faced with the reasoning of his expressed theory, but also questioning the validity and reason of that very expression being 'true' or 'false' (i.e. his true feelings, or just a self-deceptive manifestation) stemming from the speculations about what conditions made him express that. If there would have been a different expression by altering some situations, that makes everything about the expressed theory very superfluous. This takes the validity of the theory deeper down than what can be reasoned by just harping only on the theory expressed by the individual - in order to get a more real insight, one has to take in consideration a much greater timescale and social scenario and also biology, trying to decipher what exactly made the person express that theory.

This is in simple words, finding out which fraction of what a man expresses is really 'true' coming from his inner soul, and which part is just a manifestation of the conditioning effects he has been having from birth. The later are not his true feelings - upon close self-inspection and unbiased thinking, the person would have discovered that these later kind of expressions are not in harmony with his true feelings. So, when reasoning a topic in the quest of some greater truth or seeking some clarification, I find myself faced with this enormous task of first trying to seek out what the person really feels about this (a true culmination of all his physical and psychic experiences), and not what he states from his 'socially reasoning' mind. Even what a man thinks he really believes is sometimes just an illusion - the effect of repeatedly telling his mind something, thereby creating an effect of self-hypnotism.

Well, I'll again touch the original question of free will. Are what we do pre-mediated, or are these random. In this case, I again feel inclined to speculate on this topic on a very hardcore 'scientific' view. EVERYTHING all around are made up of extremely smaller particles (starting with atoms and electrons, etc, and then finding out still smaller constituent particles) and quantum of energy, which are interchangeable. That is, I'll talk of mass and energy as the same thing. And we also know the effect any two 'elements' (not the chemistry term, used in general meaning) will have on each other can always be calculated by studying the nature of the sub-particles making up these elements. That is, all reactions are predictable. Now, this is exactly what is the foundation of this present speculation - that everything occurring is a result of continuous reactions and hence everything is predictable. These reactions, as relatively perceived by the what we call the 'human mind' will go on 'eternally' (time and its measurement are relative) in a manner of chain reactions. Everything around here is just mass or energy (same thing) changing forms/states/locations. Even my writing this at this very instant is due to a set of chemical reactions in my brain. The feeling of 'solid', 'liquid' or 'gas' is just a set of molecules/atoms/sub-atomic particles exerting different amount of pressures on other molecules/atoms/sub-atomic particles. And In reality, the 'mass' is a very minute fraction - the largest amount is space all around us, even in our body. The feeling of any sensation (say heat) is just a set of particles in some specific state having some specific effect on other set of particles (say our hand), which in turn excites some other particles (say our nervous system). When we get stuck in a wall, its again a set of particles of the first set (the wall) exerting opposing force on another set (our body), not letting the formation of the other set (our body) mingle with the formation of the first set of particles (the wall). So, we cant 'move into' a wall. The word 'particles' or 'mass' in the above sentences can be changed with 'energy' to have same meaning.

So, I think everything is always predictable - if we take a 'snapshot' of the entire universe at any moment of time, we should be able to predict its state after a span of time. Its all a matter of time until human being discovers that empirical formula. Maybe, the time required to come to that is too long for human civilization, but I believe that formula exists. And its that formula that I like to call 'God' in literal meaning of the 'all-powerful and all-knowing' entity.

Well, it is past 3:45 am already. And got to wake up early tomorrow for college. So, I'll end this writing for the time being, hoping to continue it later on. With that thought I use the 'Part 1' in the title.

The links to some of the pages which I read today:
http://www.friendsofcwg.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6826&highlight=free
http://www.friendsofcwg.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8983
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/Freewill.htm
And the CWG forum:
http://www.friendsofcwg.com/forum/index.php

So far guys!!!

Scribbles: 25th May, 2005

2005-05-25T22:50:00.000+05:30

Exams, assignments, projects, works and lots of other such stupid stuffs are protruding their jealous and over-zealous fangs into the just and due freedom of the individual....

"I shall overcome some day...."

Scribbles: 20th April, 2005

2005-04-20T01:12:00.000+05:30

Blessed are those who have cried, for only that heart which have suffered pain will be able to perceive the true worth and bliss of happiness.

The eyes which have shed tears are be the eyes which will radiate true happiness. Pains prepares and paves the way for our hearts to receive the happiness in full embrace when it arrives.

Why are the best songs, the best poems, the best novels, always tragedies?

I guess I will go on searching for such answers throughout my life....

The rain with storm - its awesome!!

2005-04-11T01:01:00.000+05:30

It rained today.

The cool wet wind is still flowing around. Its flowing into my room. All around me. It feels great. This wind has a sort of energy laden with it.

It rained heavily. With thunder storms. I had been out in the evening, in my friend's place, having a good time, the three of us. The rain had started then. I had loved it then. It never stopped. Only it slowed once, and I had returned home.

Then later into the night it started again. I felt it the best way I could. I was near the window, breathing in the rain, imagining to drown myself in the drizzles that was coming in with the wind. How I wished I could be out then - in the open in that storm and rain.

It had been a long time since I had last been out in the rain. I miss it. I really love that. Even just watching it from the window. Especially if its at night. Its romantic. Its refreshing. Its extremely beautiful.

Its been a good day today. Who was it that said: "the best things in life are free"?

Scribbles: 6th April, 2005

2005-04-05T23:54:00.000+05:30

I have not done any new blogs lately. As a matter-of-fact, most of my recent blogging time has been directed to this blog - The Right to Die.

And in the coming days, I guess my blogging will be fewer still - because I'm so much covered up with tasks that I have pending.

I always manage to end up doing things which I should not be giving most of my efforts to. Like lately, I have spent a lot of my time and effort in blogging, which I'm sure if I had directed to my course syllabus, would have increased my grades.

But those are so boring!!! It somehow always seems that what I must do appears real boring. And other things seems real interesting. Well, I think I'll choose to be with the interesting stuff - whatever be.

The Death of the Individual

2005-04-01T03:00:00.000+05:30

Just now I watched the video of the song "Bulla Ki Jana Main Koun". It means - "Bulla, I know not who I am", where "Bulla" is probably a proper noun - possibly the name of a person. Its a very good song, and got straight to my heart. The artist here is wondering who he is - he is not a Hindu, not a Muslim, not a believer, not a faithless, and so on.... he does not find himself fitting into any of the models. He wonders and asks, who he is.

The message coupled with the video, also made me remember "A Ray of Light" by Madonna.

And this song brought back to me something which I had somehow observed, or imagined, and which had disturbed me, time and again. Its the loss of individuality of the person in todays world. Its the death of the free individual, his thoughts and all, and his existence becoming more and more a part of the larger social machinery, molded to its needs.

Today we find that individual freedom is endorsed and propagated as it never was before. But this is actually a compensation offered in the form of a pseudo-reality. On a more detailed observation we will see that in truth, individual freedom is becoming extinct with time. The modern day social scenario is actually devouring the individual. The freedom of thoughts and actions is being eaten away, and the individual in todays society is left with very few real options to choose from, and he is forced to adapt for survival.

This should be all the more clear from the extent the free individuality profile is becoming propagated everywhere in the upcoming social profile, in advertisements, social issues, etc.. What we should see here is that these are just compensations provided to us in the form of petty things like out attire, our food, our behavior, and other such small choices. In exchange of taking away the real freedom from us, this is the balance we are provided with in the form of a pseudo-reality about personal freedom.

The society is growing larger, stronger, more stable day by day, and the individual is dying.

How many times in the past few decades, have we seen scientific inventions by individuals that takes the entire civilization steps ahead, like that happened in the 1800s and 1900s? None. Why? Are we are not producing humans intelligent enough? On the contrary. Upon analysis, we will see that the intelligence has risen, if anything. What has happened is that the freedom of action no longer exists now as it did in the past centuries. Scientists have to take a more surer path, a more stable one. This path guarantees a steady growth. But no scope of those radical out-of-the-world thinking, which in most cases are futile, but those which clicks, takes us ahead by leaps and bounds. Freedom has been compromised.

The only sector where we have witnessed such progress in the last decades is the IT sector. And this is because of reasons, which again point to loss of freedom in other areas. Firstly, this was an unorganised sector. Its still maturing - getting itself organized. So, this offered a degree of freedom no longer available in other areas. Also it had to it the advantage of very less equipment costs. In most cases, all you need is a computer and a few attached peripherals, to implement even the most sophisticated concepts. And you are on your own to create. How long shall this freedom exist? Hard to say, because the nature of this area is a bit different than the others.

Why has this unfortunate state come into being? Probably because due to the complex factors at play in the current society, one cant really afford taking risks. Everyone has to vouch for the most stable way. A tendency rendered very natural in the struggle to survive. So this process is surely to go on for now.

What has the future in store for us? I know not. But Ill vouch for this in the near future, the individual will be compromised more and more. The general tendency is preference for stability. And this is a kind of deadlock situation where people wont really be able to afford taking risks. They will have to compromise. They will be made to compromise. Knowingly and unknowingly.

But how shall we be living then? A fearful question. The substitutes will probably be adequate for the masses for quiet some times to come. But what will happen after that? Will the limit be reached? When? How long can the true individual be kept suppressed with pseudo-realities? Will there be the others, the misfits, who will question, create troubles? The lucky ones? I dont know. But I do know this whatever happens, this cant be lasting forever, because at any rate, humans will never be able to compromise the human spirit itself. Maybe there will be a revolution, maybe there will be a slow reverse change, maybe there will be a sudden upsurge. I know not. But it will be a long time before that happens. A real long time. Too long to witness in a lifetime.

But it will happen. And I wish I could witness this entire process.

P.S.: I STARTED WRITING THIS ARTICLE ON 31ST MARCH, BUT COMPLETED AND POSTED IT ON 1ST APRIL.

Scribbles: 29th March, 2005

2005-03-29T02:01:00.000+05:30

I definitely have a very grave problem at hand - my blogs are getting too big for my likings. Its always around 500 +/- 100 words. But I myself definitely like something within 300 words.

Hmm... is this in any way related to the habit of composition writing at school which required around 500-600 words? But I have written entries in my diaries exceeding this limit by far. But well, rarely did I ever write short paragraphs. Maybe, they should have made that practised. I guess, composition writing as they teach in schools is not as great as they make it sound to be....

Damn!! Every other thing in the current system is screeching for a facelift.

Worse of worse, when my blogs get too big, I try to shorten them, but very unsuccessfully. I guess I needed more practice at summary-writing.

I'll end this one before it gets long enough to find me grumbling and trying to summarise. I hate these editings.

Books: The small things which sometimes strike deep.

2005-03-29T01:23:00.000+05:30

I love reading books. Most of them convey some message.

Have you ever come across an experience such as this: you read a full book, which is good and enriching in totality, but somehow at some point you were suddenly struck with one sentence or idea, and at the end, this one thing is what you remember most vividly out of the entire book, even though in the larger context of the book, this might have been insignificant?

That is, the book conveyed a lot of enriching things, or was really a good work throughout, but for no apparent reason this one single thing strikes some inner chord of yours, and even when the other matters of the book goes into the backdrop of your memory, you can somehow reflect this one thing with extreme vividness.

This happens for me sometimes. Probably happens for everyone. In the 'The Glass Palace' which I read lately, the last description of the two old people kissing each other is something which I'll never forget. But this anyways was meant to be striking for the readers, and was one of the most 'peak' moments of the book and nothing surprising that it will strike.

But in another book - 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari', I was struck with this comment made somewhere about reading good books - "it is not what you get out of books that is so enriching, it is what books will get out of you that will ultimately change your life. ...books don't teach you anything new.....books simply help you to see what is already within your self". At this moment, it is only this thing which I remember clearly out of the entire book. And I don't think I'll forget. Although the book conveyed many other valuable and enriching things, I don't remember any of those in any detail.

Another time when I was reading 'The Diary of Anna Frank', I came across texts conveying this (I don't remember the exact words immediately, so I'm rephrasing, but it used very similar words) - no matter what happens, as long as you can look fearlessly up into the sky, you will know that you have true happiness within, and this will keep you replenished and going through all situations, every time you will need it. I will always remember this, alongwith how I felt when I read it.

Suddenly very small things somehow open up in front of us new dimensions from which to look at things. And these discoveries and the joy of it, we never forget.

BLACK: A somewhat black experience

2005-03-25T21:56:00.000+05:30

All perfect screen (the computer) and no noisy screen (the TV) makes jack a ... I don't know what.... boy. So, I have been watching quiet a few TV movies lately. And my recent fever had assisted that by making me stay at home.

Latest, I saw 'Bhagban' - its a good movie. Even after seeing it previously, I enjoyed the latter half again. And then I started thinking movies... when my mind touched upon Black.

And I decided to scribe down my thoughts about it, before I go out of mood.

For those who dont know, it's a movie about a blind and deaf girl and her teacher who taught her to recognise, read, write and speak. At the end, the teacher himself falls to Alzheimer's disease and the girl now attempts to re-teach him what he once taught her. That's the ending note.

Black had managed some unprecedented critical media acclaim for a Bollywood production. So I was already over-blown with expectations when the curtains were being raised in the theatre.

I'll get bluntly to the point. The movie simply disappointed me. It's a good movie - better than most of what they make. And but for my already inflated expectations, I would probably have been satisfied.

I can summarise in one sentence why I was disappointed with this movie. It failed to stop time. That's it. Thats the only thing I have arrived upon by speculations. The plot had real potential. No doubt. But it never did actually let me get 'inside' the matter fully. To a blind and deaf girl, time should have been something not properly felt. Now and again, the movie paved a way for this. But every time, it finally failed to actually hold the time, in essence of making the protagonist cherish the experiences of discovering. The pace seemed too fast. I wanted to feel the joy of cognition through the mind of that child (that is, as far as one possibly can from my position).... but the screenplay always pushed new stuff in front of me. It should have dwelt a bit more slower and deeper on some specific areas. That's what I think. It should have stopped the 'real time'.

The plot had some side-plots, with equal or greater potential. Like the life of the sister of the abnormal child. She is a victim. Awfully deprived. Her fault? That she is absolutely normal - very much like any other healthy girl. Her otherwise perfectly normal existence is completely shadowed - by the triumph and glory over untreaded heights of human abilities displayed by her staggeringly disabled sister.

Another thing which the movie touched upon very lightly is the sexuality of the disabled girl when she grows up. That's an area which I really dread to tread. Her feminism. (Here by 'feminism' I actually mean all that is about being the female, the way I think this word should have always meant. Not in the meaning the word is used in current socio-political context.) This was a vital point, but the movie really didnt have much options. (And also, it would gave gone off-track from the main plot.)

The movie didn't have any musical tracks in it. A good thing probably.

That's my feelings about 'BLACK'. It did one last good thing for me - I looked up Helen Keller on the net.

Scribbles: 24th March, 2005

2005-03-24T22:34:00.000+05:30

Have you ever felt that someone really needed a hug, but you couldn't hug that person because she is a girl? Just because how others might feel about this, or even how she would take this?

And why the hell they always ask those 'about me' fields - do they have any idea how hard can it be for a person to write those? And stupid? I absolutely hate talking about myself (and cant really). And guess what, this is also a starting question in the interviewes!! Why dont you just find out? Duh.... I think I've to somehow manage to put together a few standard words and memorise them for use in all purposes.

Cool .... I'm now down with fever.

2005-03-24T18:13:00.000+05:30

Great things are always happening with me... he he... now I'm down with fever.

Jokes apart, fevers are not really that bad a thing after all. There is a great ‘nasha’-like or (… damn… what is the english word for it??….) ‘drugged’ maybe (though I have never taken these 'drugs' in my life)… feeling. I really enjoy this feeling which I get when I am in high fever, or when the fever is rising. Of course, I really could have done without the body-ache though, and the other useless stuff that comes free.

And lets not forget, fevers contribute for livelihood to doctors and lots of other people associated with the pharmaceutical industry. Last but not the least, it gives our moms and dads a renewed chance to worry about, worrying seeming one of the stuff they love to do most… (urgh!!)...

Hmm... so fevers are not that bad a thing after all. And I’m sure there are takers for this.

The Right to Die

2005-03-23T03:04:00.000+05:30

Today I read this article titled "U.S. judge refuses more feeding in Schiavo case" in Yahoo News. It was about a judge ruling against that a woman (Terri Schiavo) in brain-damaged "persistent vegetative state" should be kept alive any longer. In this particular incident, the relatives of the concerned brain-damaged woman were engaged in full demonstrations, with political backings, to keep her alive. And this has been an 'issue of debate' for long.

This is ridiculous - the debate over this issue. How can there be any conflict over this issue? How can people deny someone the right to die peacefully?

My life, and my death are both mine. In the same way that others don’t have the right to end my life when I want to live, they don’t have the right to make me live when I want to die.

On what justification or conscience, in the likes of case mentioned above where living on is a torture, do the 'authorities of our lives' debate over this issue that whether I really want to die or not? How possibly can they conclude that I am really 'happy' in living on, and 'want' that in the 'reality'? On the other hand, if they think I'm not at all happy in the conditions I'm living, and that it is a real torture for me to live on, on what justifications do they forcefully keep me alive?

I have never been in such a situation, but I'm sure to choose death much more gleefully, over choosing to continue living on in a continuity of my more painful and draining moments.

Ok, it may be argued that in many cases, an attempt to kill oneself in the fit of a single particular depressing moment, is absolutely foolish in the sense that the future might have in store a particularly filling and happy life for the person. But at least, in the cases where such future improvements are deemed absolutely impossible, one should let the person choose his own destiny.

The right to die is as much mine as the right to live. Its a shame that in this era of propagation of personal liberty and freedom, many of us have not yet got ourselves rid of this notion against the denial of this basic human right.

P.S.: NOT PARTICULARY HAPPY WITH THE ORIGINAL POST, I RE-WROTE THIS POST ON 24TH MARCH

Are the previous blogs pure rubbish??

2005-03-21T04:18:00.000+05:30

Ahem.....

Just gave a quick glances at parts of my older blogs.... and I'm really feeling like : "WHAT THE HELL DID I WRITE ABOUT IN THOSE???"

Well, yeah... somehow they are appearing all pure shit at the time being. Or maybe, its me who is just nuts at the moment (or at least trying to be one!!).

Who cares anyways....

Its too late already... high time I get some sleep. Got to go to college tomorrow. Where are the smileys? I saw them being used in a blog. I miss a yawning smiley now...........<yawn>.....

Scribbles: 19th March, 2005

2005-03-19T02:06:00.000+05:30

Everything is in such a mess for me right now. I have no idea what I should do. Rather, I have very specific ideas of what I should do, but I have no idea why I'm not actually doing those.....

Its really a wise and really great man who can follow his own advise.

I am probably going through one of my worst patches. In fact, my worst of times, and moreover, there seems to be no end. In the past, my bad patches have been intensive, but they lasted only for a few days, and I had always moved on very soon. Whats happened this time?

My New 'Scribbles' blogs.

2005-03-18T01:26:00.000+05:30

So, toady I'm starting a new convention in my blog. If any day I just want to write, but dont have anything worth reading to write about, I'll use the format "Scrbbles: xxth <month>, year" as the title. These are for entries which maybe said to be 'rough' in nature. That is, worthless scribbles.

Why do I want to have such 'wrothless' entries in my blog? Because I probably just want to keep using this new stuff (this blog) I've just started to trying out.

Love: Confession barriers? (and other questions)

2005-03-17T01:08:00.000+05:30

What is it (or 'are that') which obstructs a human being from confessing love for a person of the opposite sex?

How many times have I seen a girl and a boy liking each other, longing for each other's association, flirting in the most inconspicuous ways, but yet never actually letting it out, and actually taking every care not to show it?

And why do I find, after a break-up of sorts due some ill-consequences, the partners still having full feelings for each other, but yet very reluctant to say, or finds very hard to say that he/she still have feelings for the other 'ex'?

Is it ego? Is it pride? Is it the necessity to cover the weakness? Is it out of fear of being rejected? Is it from an inner conflict questioning whether the real love (still) exists, and hence being reluctant to take the first step in case it goes wrong in future? Is it out of social insecurity of being looked upon as a 'looser'? Is it due to the need of being accepted by the 'circle' in case their match was not welcome? Is it a complex combination of some of these factors?

If its one of the above factors, is the factor real or worth it?

Is love really a weakness? Weakness is a weak point in out character due to which we might act in ways which otherwise we would never do, and which we know all the time to be logically unsound. We may say love is a weakness because we see lovers often do these kind of acts. These acts, they say, are done 'out of weakness of love'. Or are these 'acts-of-weakness' in love a mere need of our psyche, the love actually being just a subconscious justification for these? Whatever it might be, if this weakness is natural, should we consider a weakness? Hence any logic in being ashamed of it?

Err... if we follow these lines, can we say that we need not be ashamed of any other weakness of us, which we can justify as 'natural'?

What shall we consider the 'love' here to be? The platonic love, or the biological desire? Can one exist without the other? Can a line be drawn between the two?

Are there at all any answers to these questions?..........

The blog title - a note

2005-03-15T02:02:00.000+05:30

When I first created this blog, I used the title: “Autobiography of a Confused Kolkatan”, inspired no doubt from the title: “Autobiography of an Unknown Indian” by Nirad C Choudhury. The ‘confused’ word just seemed to be fit because that reflected my present condition quite truthfully in many aspects.

But today, I felt that the title was not entirely fit. Because, this was not going to be an autobiography after all. As I had written in the blog posted just before this, I really can’t write openly about all my affairs in this public blog. I’m not yet that brave/honest/open now. So, I’ve just changed the title to “Thoughts of a Confused Kolkatan” – that being more appropriate in the sense that thoughts and opinions about various matters from my day-to-day experiences is what will be expectedly posted in this blog.

At least, that’s what I think now. From my experiences I know that this might change the next day, justifying once again the ‘confused’ in the title. Just maybe. Nevertheless this is the title I think is fit now, and lets just hope this remains.

The first real blog.......

2005-03-15T01:46:00.000+05:30

Hmm... so I write again. I haven’t yet given a proper try to this blog stuff.

To speak truthfully, today at this instant I'm actually in no mood to write. This is just a forceful attempt to keep blogging. To keep my blog active. Going on like this, I'm not really sure how long I'll be able to keep up with this!! Will this also be discarded in near future as just yet another of my attempts into having a go at something new?

Or shall I continue to write here?

I have had the habit of writing diaries from the childhood. Initially, I had maintained writing diaries in a methodical and in-a-way forceful manner, sometimes just for the heck of adhering to the tradition. It was only during occasional days that I wrote just because I really felt like it. And later (the more recent years), I did let go of the 'rules' which I had maintained earlier. Rules like always maintaining a continuity by filling up the missed dates with a narrative summary, however small that might be. Also, my diary writings in the former years were more like a chronology of the day's events. In the latter years, I had let go of such 'rules' and the entries now contained more about my opinions and feelings. It’s my instinct now, at the present, which entirely guides me to write when and how I please.

Now can this blog ever attempt to replace that diary writing habit? The main concern here is that this being public, I can’t really write in details about my feelings on the matters which are private in nature, about which I had lately been feeling the more zeal and desire to write about in my diaries. So I'll either have to let go writing about the stuff for which I now feel the most to write about, or I'll have to write in a more general way expressing only the opinions avoiding names and detailed narrative on the events.

Or should I make this private? I guess not. Because, I'll always welcome opinions, if I ever happen to get those, on the conclusions and opinions I might be expressing here in future, resulting from my day-to-day practical experiences. Maybe, I'll find other uses of this blog too. Maybe, some day I'll write something here and refer my friends to it, asking of their opinions, rather than discussing orally with everyone. I'm sure I express much better while I communicate through writing, than I do orally.

Lets see what happens.....the future is always uncertain (nevertheless, thank god for that... :D )......

The seed is sown...

2005-03-09T02:28:00.000+05:30

Today I just created my first blog account!! I have been hearing, thinking and seeing about this (blogs) quiet for some time, and today I got the final push by stumbling upon a blogspot account while browsing through orkut.com profiles...

The seed is finally sown...

And this is my first entry. I'll keep tis short - i'll have to explore the settings first. Let me now see how this appears on the site.

Best of luck to me..... :)