Today I did a very stupid and negative thing. You cannot give a man half of his life. I tried to do something just like that.
While returning from office today, as I was walking, a group of about 4-5 persons - 2 men and 2 women with children, approached me. They were a poor bunch, shabbily dressed, with the rough and haggard look that fate usually bestows them with. "Aap Hindi samajhte hai?" (Do you understand Hindi?), one of the men asked. I looked up with surprise and nodded hesitantly with an inquisitive frown on my forehead. And he started speaking - in quiet a flow. I could not follow his accent properly, but what he was saying amounted to something like them having come from some distant place, and now being in deep trouble with no money. This was all that I could make out with my intent listening. So I guessed that they were looking for monetary assistance, and hesitantly and doubtfully asked about how much they needed.
Obviously, while listening and making out their intention of monetary assistance, I was quiet at loss about what to make of the situation. On one hand, I thought they might actually be in trouble, while on the other hand, I was extremely defensive and considered the notion of them cheating me. However, now as I sit and write this, the consideration that they might have cheated me seems less probable, and that makes the matter more worse.
Anyways, on that spot I kept hesitating. I mean, I wanted to help if they were actually in trouble, but the defensive and fearful side of me kept urging me to just walk away, from fear of being cheated. And then I did this stupid and negative thing. I decided to go halfway. I offered them only fifty rupees. And took leave.
Even while giving away the fifty rupees, I was very conscious that I might be cheated. But even if there was a small chance that they are true, I had decided to go along with that. I had consciously chosen this, being fully aware of the risks. But there was yet this dark spot in what I had done, as I very soon came to realise. As I walked on, the whole episode occupied my thoughts and kept making me feel somewhat uneasy. And about 10-15 minutes later, as I started seeing more clearly, I felt kind of ashamed of myself. The reason being, that even when I had decided to believe and go along with the positive, I could not do that whole-heartedly. I was bogged down by my negative side. By fear, by defences. Things that always pull you down. I could easily have parted with 2-3 hundred more without making any difference for me. That might truly have helped them. But I was simply afraid to do that. Afraid of being cheated. It was plain fear. That is how I failed myself - by giving in to fear.
Well, I hope I take a lesson from this. Someone I have come to know recently had said a very nice thing a few days back - "What you don't need, give away. Don't horde." Maybe I'll be able to follow on some day.
While returning from office today, as I was walking, a group of about 4-5 persons - 2 men and 2 women with children, approached me. They were a poor bunch, shabbily dressed, with the rough and haggard look that fate usually bestows them with. "Aap Hindi samajhte hai?" (Do you understand Hindi?), one of the men asked. I looked up with surprise and nodded hesitantly with an inquisitive frown on my forehead. And he started speaking - in quiet a flow. I could not follow his accent properly, but what he was saying amounted to something like them having come from some distant place, and now being in deep trouble with no money. This was all that I could make out with my intent listening. So I guessed that they were looking for monetary assistance, and hesitantly and doubtfully asked about how much they needed.
Obviously, while listening and making out their intention of monetary assistance, I was quiet at loss about what to make of the situation. On one hand, I thought they might actually be in trouble, while on the other hand, I was extremely defensive and considered the notion of them cheating me. However, now as I sit and write this, the consideration that they might have cheated me seems less probable, and that makes the matter more worse.
Anyways, on that spot I kept hesitating. I mean, I wanted to help if they were actually in trouble, but the defensive and fearful side of me kept urging me to just walk away, from fear of being cheated. And then I did this stupid and negative thing. I decided to go halfway. I offered them only fifty rupees. And took leave.
Even while giving away the fifty rupees, I was very conscious that I might be cheated. But even if there was a small chance that they are true, I had decided to go along with that. I had consciously chosen this, being fully aware of the risks. But there was yet this dark spot in what I had done, as I very soon came to realise. As I walked on, the whole episode occupied my thoughts and kept making me feel somewhat uneasy. And about 10-15 minutes later, as I started seeing more clearly, I felt kind of ashamed of myself. The reason being, that even when I had decided to believe and go along with the positive, I could not do that whole-heartedly. I was bogged down by my negative side. By fear, by defences. Things that always pull you down. I could easily have parted with 2-3 hundred more without making any difference for me. That might truly have helped them. But I was simply afraid to do that. Afraid of being cheated. It was plain fear. That is how I failed myself - by giving in to fear.
Well, I hope I take a lesson from this. Someone I have come to know recently had said a very nice thing a few days back - "What you don't need, give away. Don't horde." Maybe I'll be able to follow on some day.
giving is good - it doesn't have to be money - it can also be respect, or directions on charities or support groups
ReplyDeleteFred
It wasn't fear that stopped you, it was wisdom. You, from experience, know that some people are cheats. you also know that some people aren't. I don't think you should worry about the fear aspect of what happened. I do, however, think that you should have done one or the other, not gone half way. But it doesn't matter what I think, because you did what YOU thought was right.
ReplyDelete@Jude: You see - you agree too - should have gone all the way - and not being able to do that was one of the principal reasons of the itch which resulted in this post. :-)
ReplyDelete