Exams Over - But Still Wrapped Up!!

Exams are over. Time should have been ample, but they are not. Have got to do a still lot more stuff than I had to manage during the exams. I'm leaving for Sandakphu trekking on 27th. That gives me just three days in the immediate present. Three days to manage a lot. Well, one of those days is over and I have managed some. In the next two days, I have to do the planning for the journey, do shopping, pack up my stuff, visit the tourism department office for information (the nature and orientation of the journey being completely new), complete a due office work and also spend some time with friends. Hope I haven't missed anything there. Today I did some shopping and visited a friend's place. Err... where is my time for resting? My last exam was yesterday.... and even yesterday, I had some work to do after the exams. I miss the loong one full day's sleep I normally indulge myself with, after exams and sorts.

Its been a tight schedule for me right from the start of December. Practical exams started then, and unlike the other times, this time I did not beforehand know my practical stuff. They were also such, that unless I knew the theory, I would not be able do the practicals, and so I had to study. Then, of course, the theory exams started and I had to study strenuously - having never studied the whole semester round. And this time the subjects were not easily done, or known - except only two (or maybe three) papers out of six in which I had previous introduction. And now after exams are over, it seems I have got a tighter schedule. The trek tour would last till maximum 7th Jan, after which I am attending a course on 'Soft Computing' at Center for Soft Computing Research at ISI Kolkata from 10-15th January. So, as soon as I come back, I have to start studying full-time on this topic - I expect the level of discussion up there to be of proper standards (the list of participants includes all the good institutions like IITs, NITs, etc - with both faculties and students). So, I guess, if I want to understand anything of what will pass, I'll have to do proper homeworks. And after 15th January, I again have to get indulged in my college Tech Fest activities, and along with that, I also have a office work already scheduled. Again, tightly wrapped!! And yeah - the words are out there that the campussing will start from February this time. And I'm totally unprepared - my technical status is at one of its minimum - haven't studied seriously anything since I got in MCA - just have done only enough to dodge the exams. Now if campussing really starts in February, that would be the cream of the lot!!

If that does happen, chances are really sour that I'll see through the technical round (leave alone the HR round - wont even reach that, I suppose) - and I wonder how I would be then, considering the air with which I have been walking around all these time, completely denouncing the current standards being followed in college and everywhere, not at all taking seriously the exams and marks, saying that marks mean nothing - the real stuff is inside you and the companies test that only, as if I have all the real standards and I know all the real things, and very few people were my equal (sic!). Funny - I feel queer even imagining that. Now, even with all my liberal mindset, that is an experience I surely do not want to taste - I'm positive about that.

Will I be really relaxed and free in February even? Probably not, because already I'm hearing talks about new office works, and I have stated that I wont be able to take them up before February. So, I'll have to improvise, I guess, as usual.

Well, before this becomes much too longer, I'll end this here. I'm writing after a long time though.

Scribbles: 29th November, 2005

Sometimes I just feel to write. For no reasons whatsoever. Like now. I'm writing just because I suddenly felt to start typing some words. And exactly so I'm doing now, it seems. Literally typing just words - they make no sense, convey no message, or have any purpose. Useless, are they? Maybe.... maybe not. Doesn’t matter to me, at least not now. In fact, they are serving their purpose very well - letting me do what I wanted to do. In the process, probably providing my some satisfaction - though of what kind, or why, I know not. So I guess, they are not so much without purpose, are they?

Does everything have a purpose in this world? Does everything have to have a purpose? Yeeahh... I'm harping back on the abstract again. Anyways, I don’t know the answers - of course. I guess, nobody will ever know. Besides, you only rotate in a circle if you ever try to get answers to such questions, don’t you? Well, I do. So, I'll leave it at that. For now at least.

Exams ahead. And as usual, I've got LOADS to study. Everything left till the last moments. Now, if I don’t do those even at this last moment, well... I won’t be able get away, would I? I don’t think so. And there seems to be some pretty heavy stuff this semester. Or else I'm getting stupid. Either way, I have to put in more efforts now. So adieu, notepad. See you soon enough though!! ;)

Scribbles: 25th November, 2005

Sometimes in life we are never sure. Its a paradox. If you do, you will probably wish that you hadn't done it, but if you don't, you will again wonder later that perhaps you should have done it. And there is no solution - in no way can you evaluate the two alternatives.

Isn't it inevitable that if you do your best to decide in such a situation, you will eventually only make it worse? Will not your thinking more and more about the 'what if's ultimately haunt you proportionally about the 'other' alternative, after you have chosen one alternative? And yes - if you have the third alternative of not choosing any of the courses of action, it will give you a boolean outcome - either you will be totally happy about this, or you will be totally repentant that you didn't go for either choices. I wish someone could provide me direct solutions to these problems.

But let me pause a minute here... didn't I myself have perfect answers to these questions 4-5 or more years back? I surely did. What were those answers? Why cant I remember them now? I had pretty substantial answers to such matters, and they somehow did held ground, and people (the "wise" ones too: pun intended) did agree to those. So, in spite to all these, what has happened to them? How come they are no longer? How come such solid theories get shaken off, in spite of statistical findings having supported them all the times...? What am I learning or unlearning? And why?

About Anne Frank's Diary

A few days ago, I once again got my hands on the book - Anne Frank's Diary. Having forgotten the exact words of a quote which had touched me very deeply, I had been desiring to obtain this book for quiet some time. At last, I got it from a friend who had come down from Hyderabad, and I could have it for only one night. Though I was thoroughly tired that day, I spent quiet some time that night reading extracts from various parts of that book.

I count this book as one of the best I have ever read considering that it was written by girl about 14 years old! The utter simplicity and the simple yet obvious rationale of many observations she makes, which seemingly are missed by many adults (both now and then), is amusing, surprising and satirical. There is an excellent sense of satirical humour throughout. Also, at many places, she makes some simple statements which actually goes very deep into some of the very rare truths, and which digs out some deep human psychology. Also, she has absolute honesty in her writings and an educated acceptance of her true self, which are very rare and appreciable qualities, and which draws respect from me, myself knowing how hard both of these are from my own experiences, and also how rare.

I wonder about the writings she would have produced had she grown up and lived. I'm sure they would have contributed to the literary world - I kind of miss them.

Patchwork For Last Post

Disclaimer: This attempt to write is for no reasons at all, except to put some better and (hopefully) more coherent materials at the top of my blog, rather than the last posting which now reads like a badly written disconnected meaningless text. I guess I'm loosing my writing skills day by day. My spoken skills being below the adequate mark, I took console over my written skills, but will those too be gone now?? Hope not. I Hope its just a temporary affair:

"I pray to god that it wont be long..." (courtesy: Madonna).

Ok, so I have been listening to lot of Madonna songs lately, and have been influenced by some of her lyrics. But at least, she has got some lyrics. Most of the others these days just shout out rubbish at the top of their voices. They sound like frustrated bunch of guys bitten by dogs yelling back at the (poor) dogs. I wonder how they would sound without the special audio effects, enhancements and instrumentals!

That's enough of text to serve my current purpose - patching my blog. Lets hope this text reads ok after maybe a day when I come back and go through this!!

Scribbles: 6th October, 2005

"Candle in the Wind". Princess Diana. Elton John thought so. He expressed it beautifully in his song "Candle in the Wind". He called princess Diana, England's Rose, a Candle in the Wind. She lived her life like one.

Everyone, at some point I guess, gets touched by a flame or finds the beauty and scent of a rose.

The flame is beautiful. It gives you warmth and lights the life around it. But its selfish - it devours whatever tries to touch it. All it leaves are the charred remains of your former self. And it consumes mercilessly the very same fuel which keeps it burning.

The rose is also beautiful. It has a lovely scent. Its beautiful to look at. But its best left alone - whoever would try to pluck it is welcomed with thorns. You bleed.

You are so consumed with how much you get (courtesy: Madonna).

All the world is a stage where every man must play a part. And what is mine - I'm still trying to find out. (Apologies if I didn't get the words correct in that quotation.)

Of Mind and Reality: Part 2

Firstly, as I stand today, before venturing into any further speculative theories of any kind, I must apologise for the most parts of my previous post, especially the latter parts where I tried to logic out how everything is pre-determined. Reading over that piece of article today again (and also having done so many times after the day when I actually posted that), after having chanced upon some authoritative texts on this area in the meantime, I clearly see the utter superficiality of most of what I have written. It appears like some adamant schoolboy trying to get his word about everything. As I write this today, I am aware that this attempt today to continue that topic might again end up as another such text, but I'll try to be as prudent, careful and short as possible. The topic being of such an abstract and complex nature, which have been mystifying the elite minds through the ages, I humbly realise and acknowledge that whatever I write is likely to be a very naive and amateurish stuff again. Nevertheless, I shall write, primarily in attempt to conclude this since I had ended the original post with an anticipation of a sequel. And also since I feel to write a bit today.

In my last extract on this topic, I stated two main theories. First was about human nature - that often what a man says does not express his true feelings and of which true feelings he might not himself be aware of. Second was a theory on destiny, astrology and the similar, where I mentioned that all things 'happening' or all that we see existing are results of precise reactions between different 'forms' (of matter and energy) and hence everything is predictable - consequently, there is nothing as free-will or freedom or choices as such in the absolute sense.

Also, I'll repeat what I stated at the foremost in the last post before venturing into any speculations - and this is of utmost importance - that I believe only what I see, and what I can reason with logic. Anything beyond that, I neither believe, nor disbelieve. It may, or may not be, but unless its proved with reason, mathematics and logic, unless its deciphered and predictable, I wont make my decisions based on those.

Let me now review some stuff, actually the loopholes, from the reasoning in my previous post about how all things are pre-determined. I stated that everything is made up of particles. How do we know that its true - the only thing we know is that all we have come up so far are particles. While writing that, from what I was thinking then, I should have written that all our science have come up so far are these particles. But there is probably nothing to suggest anything further. And what are these "particles" anyways, if some kind of them do form the smallest units? Besides, now I state that its not the particles either which make up things. Further researches have brought forward the likes of "string" and "superstring" theories, which state that it's not particles, but strings, which make up everything. Again, what are these "strings" and what are they made of?

And directly challenging the 'pre-determined' theory, I ask, what is there to prove that everything is not just random? We don't have any concrete evidence against that either. So, everything might very well be absolute random stuff. Everything happening might be actually totally random and accidental, getting determined just at the moment of happening. That is, everything is actually absolute free-will, and at every instant things to happen get determined then and there.

Well, I'll end this discussion with that. Currently, I am reading Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" and it's an excellent stimulating book. It is taking time to read. Also, I have chanced up some good psychology atricles (www.guidetopsychology.com). All these are probably amalgamating possible new stuff in my existing theories (which I confess, are themselves rather in a mess). So, presently, I conclude this topic and post.